Part 2 of the "What to Expect in Early Recovery" series. In this episode, I discuss what boundaries are important for early recovery, the emotions and fears that I felt and the substitute addictions that I noticed creeping into my life as I tackled my pornography addiction.
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After hitting rock bottom and wanting to start recovery, what are the next steps? What does early recovery look and feel like? What can you expect in the first few months? This episode is part of a 3-episode series to discuss what early recovery looks like.
Abstinence from pornography and lust hits is the foundation of a solid recovery. Creating and maintaining boundaries is the main way to achieve that abstinence. This episode answers questions like "What are boundaries?", "Why are boundaries important?", "What does a good boundary look like?" and gives specific boundaries that I follow as well as my recovery buddies.
It's important to have both restrictive and constructive boundaries so you can avoid lust triggers and build yourself up into the person you want to be.
A good boundary is:
Specific: It's not enough to say "I'm not going to look at porn." Boundaries are specific defenses for your weak/blind spots.
Measurable: Boundaries must have a clear point where they are "broken" so you definitively know if you are keeping them or not
Attainable: Boundaries have to be realistic and possible
Relevant: Boundaries are your personal "lines in the sand" to help you recover from addiction, not someone else
Some of my favorite boundaries are: No phone in bedroom, no browser on phone, get enough sleep each night
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In order to change our lifestyle and set proper boundaries, we need a clear and direct definition of pornography. By analyzing the stages of relapse (Intrigue, Infatuation, Lust, Sexual Acting Out and Binge Relapsing) and the neurological mechanism of addiction, we can define pornography as any activity that gives you a lust hit. This definition is drastically different from my previous, addict’s definition of pornography and is one of the cornerstones of my lasting recovery.
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“Willpower’s Not Enough” is the first book I read in recovery and completely changed my view on my addiction and myself. As the title says, willpower is not enough to recover from an addiction like pornography, but as addicts we keep trying to “white knuckle” our way to sobriety. “Willpower’s Not Enough” provides a wide variety of personal stories to show us that our addiction is just a symptom of deeper problems in our life. The three sections tackle the questions “What is addiction?”, “What personal/familial/societal forces led me to addiction?” and “How do I get rid of an addiction?".
If you are just starting recovery or if you support someone in their recovery, get this book to understand what addiction is (and isn’t).
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Looking at addiction through the “Secure Attachment Cycle” helps us understand the “why” behind recovery. Addiction to pornography is more than just a “habit,” it is a coping mechanism for the stresses and triggers in our life. As we go through life and our needs are put at risk, we either turn to trusted friends/hobbies or compulsive/addictive activities and substances.
The only way we can find lasting recovery is:
1) figuring out what stresses/triggers are happening now and that we carry with us from our past
2) overcoming detachment by finding and reaching out to a trusted support network
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A common driver for addiction is perfectionism. When we feel like we don’t have control over our own life and can’t achieve perfection, we seek for something that we can control (in a sex addict’s life, this is lust). When perfectionism drives us, we can develop a defeatist mentality (I’m not going to do it perfectly, so why try?)
In this episode, I talk about perfectionism, how defeatism appears in our lives and how to overcome our defeatist mentalities. Instead of giving up when we make a mistake, take time to look at your mistake and learn how to do better next time.
My name is David Adamson and I am a porn addict.
In this episode, I introduce myself and share my story of how I got to become a pornography/lust addict and the first steps that I took towards recovery. I’m not a professional therapist, just a “pro” at being an addict. After starting my addiction when I was 11, it took me over a decade of painful attempts and effort to finally figure out what I was doing wrong in recovery. The first step? Being brutally honest with myself and giving up what I thought was the right way to recover.
