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The Apt Cods Podcast
Mary and Emma Moberly
12 episodes
9 months ago
This podcast contain stories, songs, commercials, and other funny little thingy-ma-boppers. Emma and Mary are two funny little sisters who just decided to make a podcast for funniness. Subscribe now and you can get two free noses for $20 million!!!
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Comedy
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All content for The Apt Cods Podcast is the property of Mary and Emma Moberly and is served directly from their servers with no modification, redirects, or rehosting. The podcast is not affiliated with or endorsed by Podjoint in any way.
This podcast contain stories, songs, commercials, and other funny little thingy-ma-boppers. Emma and Mary are two funny little sisters who just decided to make a podcast for funniness. Subscribe now and you can get two free noses for $20 million!!!
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Comedy
Episodes (12/12)
The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: Video Game Commercial
Is your child bored and has nothing to do? Then buy him a new video game console! This brain-warping machine will make your kids happy! It will also educate them in how to fly spaceships and drive cars, and also how to shoot people.
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18 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: Pet Vet 2
Nurse: I wonder why we always have the same owner, and she always brings stuffed animals? Surgeon: We are waiting for the animal as we speak. Nurse: Oh, really? Surgeon: Yeah. It should be here in a matter of seconds. Nurse: What is it? Surgeon: 3...2...1... She's not here. Nurse: Well, what is it? Surgeon: She didn't say. Nurse: Call her! We know her phone number. It's right here in the phone book. (Telephone ringing) Surgeon: It's the answering machine. She's not there. She should be here soon. Nurse: I'll go wait on the sidewalk. Surgeon: Must be having trouble figuring out which pet to bring. She has so many of them. (Arf!) Surgeon: A dog? I've always wanted to do a dog patient. Cool. (barking) Surgeon: Why are you dragging it along on that leash? Nurse: Yes. How dare you drag your dog around like that! Owner: Pretend it's walking. Nurse: Pretend?! Oh the poor animal! Owner: Mary, how about it's walking. Nurse: Ok. Nurse: What appears to be wrong with your dog? Owner: Ahem. The dog is sick. Surgeon: In what way? Owner: It sneezes a lot. Nurse: Does it have a cold? Owner: Probably. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW! Surgeon: Is it active? Owner: No. (We hear the dog jumping on a file cabinet and barking) Owner: It's not active! Mary, it's not active! Surgeon: It appears very active. Owner: Mary, don't do that! Nurse: The dog appears to be making rock and roll music against the file cabinet. Owner: Mary, come on! Don't do that! Surgeon: Does you dog listen to too many CD's? Owner: Well, he's listened to every CD I've listened to. He just lies there... Nurse: He's banging his stomach against the file cabinet. (Howling) Nurse: And he's howling in pain. (More howling) Surgeon: Um... when you called you said that he had stomach pains and you said he wouldn't eat... Owner: No, I didn't! Nurse: Yes you did! Owner: I never said that! I said he wouldn't play! (Still howling) Surgeon: He didn't play either, I know. Owner: I never said he wouldn't eat! Surgeon: I think the reason he doesn't eat-- Owner: I NEVER SAID HE DOESN'T EAT! (Laughter) Nurse: Okay. So. The dog is not eating. (Dog is howling in pain) Owner: Shiloh! Nurse: His name is Shiloh. Owner: Yeah. He's a beagle. Surgeon: Why are you always saying, "His name is Shiloh!" and stuff like that? Nurse: Because I feel like it! I'm a nurse! Surgeon: I never had that sort of feeling. I guess it's because I'm not a nurse. Nurse: We should take some X-rays to see if he has something lodged in his stomach. Or in his intestines. Surgeon: Give me that dog. Nurse: We should see if he has something in his intestines. (Choking noises) Nurse: Don't choke the dog! Surgeon: Sorry! Sorry, I was just... Owner: What are you doing to my poor puppy?! Surgeon: My puppy! Owner: My puppy! Nurse: We appear to have an argument. Should we go to court, or solve this right now? Surgeon: Eew! Stupid dog! He peed on me! Owner: See what happens when you hold a dog that doesn't know you at all? Surgeon: I think he's rather excited. (Howling again) Nurse: I am translating his howling into English. He appears to be saying, "My stomach hurts! My stomach! My stomach!" or in Spanish: "Mi estómago, mi estómago, mi estósmago!" Surgeon: How did you know this? Nurse: I am fluent in 2 million languages! Surgeon: Well. We shall turn on the operating table light. Owner: Oh no! Surgeon: So... Miss, I will do anything in my power to make sure this dog is safe. Nurse: Give it an X-ray so we can see what is lodged in its stomach or intestines. (X-ray noises) Nurse: There appears to be a fire hydrant inside of him. Surgeon: It's a wonder he can breathe! Owner: He's too small for a fire hydrant! Nurse: I don't think he swallowed a fire hydrant. It appears to be his dog tag which is in the shape of a fire hydrant. Surgeon: Aha! He was spending all his time around fire hydrants, so I guess he just swallowed one. Nurse: That's dalmatians, not beagles! They spend all their time around guns. Surgeon: My. He has fallen asleep. (snoring) Surgeon: I didn't know dogs snored. Nurse: Oh. Maybe it was me. Surgeon: Am I boring? Nurse: Yes! Surgeon: Okay. We need to get this fire hydrant--I mean-- Nurse: Don't do that! Surgeon: I'm sorry-- Nurse: You're not supposed to do anything with its head! Surgeon: I'm sorry, I just like to inject stuff into animals! (Evil laughter) Surgeon: What I shall do is...I shall open its mouth and reach into its throat and take out the fire hydrant. Nurse: It's not a fire hydrant! It's a dog tag! Owner: I though you were going to put a tube in his throat. Nurse: Yeah. Surgeon: (taking something out of the dog's throat) Oops, that's his bone. Let's see what else is in there. Nurse: Don't stick your hand in there! Surgeon: Aha! Nurse: You were supposed to stick a tube in his throat! You probably put a bunch of germs in there from your other patients! Surgeon: Let's ventilate him. (Ventilating sounds (whatever those are)) (Howl) Nurse: Uh-oh, he awoke. Surgeon: He's asleep now. Okay, um... Nothing is wrong with him anymore. (Silence) Nurse: Bandage him? I don't know... You're the surgeon! You know what to do! Surgeon: I never operated on a dog before. Nurse: Should we clean off this dog tag? Surgeon: Ahem. Wipe, wipe, wipe. Nurse: Aren't you supposed to sterilize-- Surgeon: Sterilize, sterilize, sterilize. Here you are, miss, here's your dog tag. I mean, the dog's dog tag. Um... Would you mind if we gave him a regular checkup? Check his ears and stuff? Nurse: That would cost more! Owner: Yeah, that would cost more! Surgeon: Oh, sorry. Here's your dog, uh... Nurse: Carry him home. Surgeon: Yeah. (Growl) Surgeon: Aaaaah! He bit me! He bit me! Nurse: Walk him home, then. Surgeon: Phew. Did you know that dog bites cause more deaths a year than snake bites? Nurse: I think I read that in the Boys' Life! Surgeon: Did you, now?. (Pause) Miss, does your dog have rabies? When is the last time your dog had a rabies shot? Come back here! Give me that dog! Nurse, get the dog! Nurse: In my records, it says that this dog had a rabies shot on December 12, 1549. Don't worry, this dog has had its rabies shots.
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18 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: Cold Commercial
Are colds getting you down? Well, introducing the new (some weird brand name with weird letters in it)! This will get rid of all your cold symptoms and also get rid of the nasty bacteria that are trying to get into your lungs.
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18 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: Pop-tarts Mini Games Commercial
We have a new video game that has just come out! It's called, Kellogg's pop-tarts Mini Games! In this game, you are a pop-tart, and you get to travel around in the world of Pop-tarting. And there are 26 levels, all of which have a giant King of the Pop-tarts at the end. And the bosses are things such as humans and other things like that, who try to eat you. You must destroy little humans and other things like that, who try to eat you, and if they succeed, then the game is over. This game will be available in stores near you tomorrow. -by Joseph
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18 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: Loch Ness Monster Commercial
How to Find the Loch Ness Monster Make a powder that will make water clear.Get enough of the powder to clear Loch Ness Lake.Pour the powder in the Lake, and wait for two days.You may not be able to see to the bottom of the lake.Prepare a tiny video camera with lights that can send its shots to a station near the lake made especially for it.Send to camera to the bottom of the lake and control it to find the monster.If the monster destroys the camera, your plan has failed.-by Mary
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18 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: Imaginary Animals Commercial
A commercial about Emma's imaginary animals. Mary did a pretty bad job of describing them.
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18 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: Pet Vet 1
Pet Vet is a radio show that is sort of like that one show on Animal Planet. Here is one of the two shows that we ever made. (I have taken some small parts out to make it shorter.) Nurse: What is his name? Owner: Slither. Nurse: What is his problem? Owner: He's gone mad. Nurse: He's gone mad! Slither has gone mad! Owner: (crying) Nurse: He is in solitary confinement and now he's escaped! Owner: (scream) Surgeon: Why do you keep him in that pumpkin thing? Nurse: Why don't we have a lid for that? Owner: Where's a lid? Where's a lid? Surgeon: Miss, find a lid! Nurse: Find a lid! (struggle) Nurse: He's getting loose! Aghkkgwak! Surgeon: Nurse? Nurse? Have you seen my CD player? Owner: I don't think that has a lid. (silence) Nurse: Get back in there! (pounding) Nurse: Be very quiet. Maybe the loud noises are scaring him. Surgeon: How long has he been this way? (silence) Nurse: Yes, how long has he been this way? (Pause) Owner: (sigh) Well... since this morning. Nurse: So... this morning? Surgeon: Describe what happened. Owner: Well, I... I don't know. I was just... Surgeon: So, you - when you woke up, did he just go crazy or what? Owner: I... I was just walking in to feed him... and... he was... slithering around like crazy. Nurse: She was walking in to feed him and he was slithering around like crazy. Surgeon: What do you feed your animal, Miss? Owner: What snakes eat. Mice, and... um... Nurse: Speak louder, please. Owner: A-he-he-hem. I feed the snake MICE! Nurse: Okay, that's better. Surgeon: Were any of the mice acting the same way as your snake? Owner: The snake wouldn't eat and now the cage is full of mice. Surgeon: hmm. Perhaps you have been overfeeding your snake. Owner: No. I feed him a mouse a day. Surgeon: Well, Miss, that is called overfeeding your snake. A mouse a day is not good for a snake. Owner: Half a mouse a day, then. Surgeon: No. I think you should feed him a mouse a month. Owner: I feed him a mouse a month! Surgeon: Does he get the sun and the water that he needs? Owner: Yeah... Surgeon: How big is his cage? Owner: This big! Nurse: That is a tiny cage! Surgeon: He probably has gone crazy because his cage is too small. Surgeon: You need to get a 100 gallon aquarium. Owner: How big is that? Nurse: I don't know. Surgeon: What kind of snake is this thing? (sound of opening cage) Nurse: Let me see. It appears to be a Phillipine Spitting Cobra. Surgeon: Um... nurse? The patient. Nurse: It just bit me a few moments ago. Owner: (gasp) Nurse: No, actually, it didn't. Surgeon: Hand me the patient. (silence) Surgeon: Okay. We need to operate on this snake immediately! Nurse: Yes, sir. Surgeon: What should we do to it? Let me turn on my operating light... (click)(click)(click)(click) Surgeon: It's not plugged in. Nurse: Let's unplug the sewing machine. Surgeon: Hmm... a sewing machine... (pause) Surgeon: okay. That's fixed. Nurse: We have prepared the patient on the operating table. Surgeon: all right. What do you advise we do to it, Nurse? Nurse: I don't think he needs any surgeoning, as I call it. Surgeon: Are you sure? Nurse: Unless he needs a few adjustments to the brain to stop him from being mad. Surgeon: That's my specialty. Nurse: Oh no! DON'T USE THE SEAM RIPPER! Surgeon: Fine. I'll use the needle. (silence) Nurse: Well, are you done making the adjustments to the brain? Surgeon: Brain? Adjustments? Oh yeah... Nurse: What have you been doing? Stabbing his skin? Nurse: Just get on with it. Surgeon: Uh-oh. Our audience might be squeamish. Uh... what should we do to secure this? Ah! there we go! Nurse: GROSS! Oh, please! This snake can't have antennae! Surgeon: Looks rather dashing to me. (pause) Surgeon: All we did, audience, was block out a few of the nerves that make him go crazy. Um... I advise the owner... Miss! Owner: Yes? Surgeon: I advise you to get a bigger aquarium for the snake and stop feeding him so much. Nurse: And make the aquarium comfortable. Something that you would like. Surgeon: Ah, the snake's awake! Augghhh! Aaauuugghh! Aaaaaauuuuggg- Surgeon played by Joseph Nurse played by Mary Owner played by Emma
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18 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: The Cow Story
Benjamin: There was a cow. The cow was white with black spots. His name was Charlie. And one day, a farmer came, and he fed the cow. Mary: And Charlie's babies came out. And the farmer took all the cows out to the pasture to graze. Then they walked too far and crossed too many streets and they found themselves at a place where there was lots and lots of sand and lots of water. Brown, murky, muddy water. The cows liked it a lot. And they pooped all over the place. Then the cows started walking into the water. They found out that this was a very bad idea, because there was a shark in the water. That was why the beach was deserted. "ROAR! CHOMP! CHOMP!" Those were the sounds the shark made as it ate the mommy cow. Then the shark spit her out because he didn't like her. The calves' names were Johnny and Sunny. Emma: Johnny liked mysteries. Sunny liked friendly things. They started walking into the water and they met a turtle. They said, "Hi! How are you? What is your name?" and the turtle said, "My name is Flubbergust. What are your names?" "My name is Johnny, and my name is Sunny, and my name is Charlie!" "Wow!" said Flubbergust, "Would you like to ride on my back for awhile?" "Yes!" said Johnny and Sunny together, and they got up on the turtle's back. But they couldn't fit. Mary: So they had to leave Charlie in the water to die--I mean, to swim back to the shore. Meanwhile, Johnny and Sunny rode on the turtle's back all the way to an island in the middle of the ocean. The island had a bunch of palm trees on it, and there was no sign of civilization anywhere. And there was plenty of grass to graze and plenty of room to litter with poop. Benjamin: There was no way to go back home. It was lonely. There's a zebra far away, you know. They had to walk over there. Mary: When they finally reached the zebras, they were amazed at how the herd could be wild. There was not a person in sight! The zebras were eating black plants. All the plants were flowers and leaves and grass but they were all black. The cows thought this was the dullest thing since cornmeal. They couldn't understand how these zebras could be able to stand such dull stuff. But since they were over there and they were pretty hungry, they decided to try some anyway. They stepped over to where the flowers and leaves were and chewed a few. It was rather interesting--it wasn't very interesting, it tasted like ashes! They just couldn't eat it. But they tried and tried, to be polite, and finally, they got it down. And in a matter of seconds, the cows suddenly had black stripes on them! The cows were turning into zebras because they had eaten the zebra's food! This was horrible! They suddenly realized that these zebras weren't all zebras. They probably used to be any other animal that was stranded on this island. They had to find a way to free them! Suddenly a lion came up and talked to them. The lion said if they could find the green fire, then the zebras would turn back into their normal shapes, and the zebra plant would forever be destroyed. They asked for further information, but the lion disappeared. Emma: Well, the cows decided that they must find the green fire. So they started looking for it! They looked in bushes, and under rocks, and inside hollow trees. But it was nowhere to be seen. Benjamin: And then, they looked in the jungle, and they fou-- Mary: and they didn't find it. Johnny remembered that the lion said that they could only see the green fire if they were zebras. So they ate some more zebra plant, and then finally they were zebras instead of cows. But they were still cows inside, so they couldn't see the green fire. So they looked for the big herd of zebras to see if any of them were true zebras. The herd was consisting of exactly 3,475,333,675,432 zebras. And not all of them were true zebras, but they thought that some of them might be. So they went around asking all of the zebras if they were true zebras. All of the zebras said yes, although they didn't have time to ask all of them. They asked each zebra they could see, and each one said, "Yes." And when they asked about the green fire, they had no idea what it was. The cows (which were now zebras) were a little hungrier now, and so they ate some more of the plant. All the sudden, the cows (who were now zebras) weren't cows anymore. Not even inside. They became true zebras. They thought they were zebras, they were zebras because they looked like them. And they didn't know their names, or that they were really cows. They didn't remember anything from their life as cows. They became true zebras. One day all of the zebras were grazing on the zebra grass. None of them had any taste buds anymore from eating all that dull stuff. And it was black, remember. One day, they all saw this big, huge, grizzly bear. It was about 50,000,000 feet tall. Really! It was! All of the zebras ran away from him because it was too big for them to get. But then they ran back, and fought it, because they thought that if they all stood in a circle, and struck it at the same time then maybe they could eventually kill it. And that's exactly what they did. They kicked at the bear all at once every 5 seconds at the signal of one of the zebras who was obviously the leader of this particular battle. And after a while, the bear fell down, and, guess what happened. I don't know! He died, I guess. And the zebras were very happy. Oh yeah, the bear died. And the zebras were very very, very very, happy about this. Suddenly, the bear disappeared, and, in its place, was, were, green flames of fire. The fire spread, and burned allllllllllllllllllllllllll the zebra grass, until the island was just charred, smoking, land. Amazingly, the green fire did not harm the zebras that were there. The lion came. He talked to the zebras. He said that the zebras showed bravery against their enemy. They were to be rewarded by getting back into their original forms. The zebras did not understand this because they could not remember their past. But just as soon as the lion finished talking, the island became green. It had never been green before. Never. The zebras were excited that there was now food on the island and they wouldn't starve. They began munching the sweet, juicy grass. It was very nice compared to the old, dull zebra grass. They ate and ate and ate until they didn't get full! They just ate and ate and ate! And the zebras began to turn back into their original selves. Johnny and Sunny turned back into cows. Most of the zebras turned back into turtles. Some of the zebras didn't change at all, but their black stripes changed into rainbow colors, and the zebras became very beautiful. One zebra turned into a girl. She was about 15 years old. She had brown hair and green eyes. Her name was Alina. The cows got on one of the turtles' backs and rode home with Alina. When they got to the farmer's house, the farmer was surprised to see his daughter leading to of his missing cows to their farm. Later Charlie came back from wandering along the shore looking for a way home. And Alina and her family lived happily ever after. Oh yes, and, as for the cows, they didn't send them away to get slaughtered. They just kept them until they died.The End
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18 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: Horzhiplaxtin Commercial
Do you know what Horzhiplaxtin is? You may think it's used to worm horses, but actually it's a kind of drink. It tastes real good. Even though it looks like bird poop. Please try this drink. -by Joseph
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18 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: My Story by Al B. Darned
We will now treat you to some old cassette tapes, newly digitized and put into podcast form. This first one is a commercial, advertising a book that Mary wrote in third grade.
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18 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: Episode 2
Episode 2 is available here. The lovely lady in this photograph is none other than Ms. Olpud, the guest star for this episode of her show. Mary was not at the studio, so Emma had to pick a random person from off the street. In this episode, you will hear Ms. Olpud tell you about the class she teaches, among other things. You will also hear: The original recording of Emma Moberly's popular song "Life is Like a Rollercoaster"A commercial made by Aleatha MoberlyA commercial made by David MoberlyAnd much, much more!We also managed to make this episode only half as long as the first one, for your convenience. It is about 15 minutes long.
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19 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
The Apt Cods Podcast: Episode 1
The first episode of our podcast should be available at this link. The first episode includes: The Main Pig of Igpay (story by Mary)Treasure Island (story by Mary)If You Have a Friend (song by Emma)a handful of commercials by Mary and Emmaand Mary and Emma being the weirdoes they always were.Thank you for your convenience.
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19 years ago

The Apt Cods Podcast
This podcast contain stories, songs, commercials, and other funny little thingy-ma-boppers. Emma and Mary are two funny little sisters who just decided to make a podcast for funniness. Subscribe now and you can get two free noses for $20 million!!!