Can you believe that Bonnie and Adam have created 150 episodes of “Tell Me About Your Kids” over the last 3 years?! In this episode, they reflect on the experience, as well as what they’ve both come to understand about Connective Parenting and the universal struggles of parenthood. From punishment to being friends with your kids, to loving but sometimes not liking them, to wondering how life would be if we’d never had them, to the effects of generational trauma, Bonnie and Adam touch on ...

When little kids fight and hurt each other, it’s all a parent can do not to grab, yell, blame and ultimately shame the hitter. Lee and Andre are learning how to hold their 3-year-old hitter accountable without all that. Instead, Celine learns the natural consequences of her behavior (a lost opportunity with blame) and how to develop her brain to think ahead—as long as Lee and Andre can alter their mindset and therefore their automatic reactions. The key to raising responsible, respectful peop...

There is nothing more urgent for parents today than what their children are or will be doing on social media. Fears run rampant and get in the way of effective communication with children. Devorah Heitner, Ph.D. author of the best seller “Screenwise”, talks with me about our children’s public lives online that she explores extensively in her upcoming book, “Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World”. We cover everything from “sharenting” to sexting to surveillance apps at home an...

Hannah grew as a person and a parent when she learned the hard way to payattention to her daughter’s experience and not compare it to her own. What 13 yearold Josie has learned to be comfortable with is all new territory for Hannah. In hereager attempt to prove her support for her daughter, she was actually taking care ofherself instead. Listen in for first-hand evidence of the power of mutual respect andstrong boundaries from the early years on so that the inevitable hard stuff is not sohard...

Even when connection is strong with her two boys, 14 and 6, screens pose problems for Anne. Her intentions are on track to support the boys’ self-regulation skills but when agreements are broken and sleep is lost, worries take over and tempers rise. Two entirely different temperaments require different expectations. The expectations for her Harmony Child can easily rise and create more pressure than Anne realizes. Choices and boundaries—understanding whose problem is whose—will help the self-...

When past learned behaviors pop up and derail connection with her two children, Ellie’s default is to blame herself. She feels so discouraged when they won’t do as she asks. Why can’t I get this right is what echoes in her head until she starts stressing and yelling to get them to do it right. Just by understanding where her thinking comes from is the beginning of de-fusing that button that gets pushed so she can have the connection she wants. She is so close. Bonnie Harris, MS.Ed., dire...

Harry, 9, is an impulsive, Integrity kid* reacting, as kids do, to how he has come to view himself—not good enough, not as loved as his sister, a problem, bad. His parents have raised him by the common myth that ordering and criticizing a child for bad behavior will cause that child to change that behavior—and that one should never give positive attention to negative behavior. Harry has developed a strong defense of clownish yet aggressive and hurtful “silliness”—a defense that protects his b...

Hallie and her now ex-husband adopted their first child, Kyle. Subsequently she got pregnant with her second son, Kayden, the subject of much resentment for Kyle. In this episode we dig into the many causes of Kyle’s anger as well as his “I don’t care” attitude. Adoption is complicated for a child, and in this case, Kyle feels the rejection twice over. Traditional parenting with punitive consequences has made things worse for him. Now is the time for healing deep-set wounds. Listen in for tip...

Blame is what turns sibling fights into sibling rivalry. Rivalry brings with it pretty constant anger and resentment at least from one child toward another. But it’s hard not to blame the child who hits or deeply hurts another. The parents job is to help children thru their own tough times—not do it for them and not put them down for doing it wrong. Blame never teaches what you want. Learn how to use the No-Blame Solution to teach your children not only to stop resenting each other but to car...

Siblings are going to fight. They are too close to each other not to. It’s tricky to allow their fights without turning them into sibling rivalry. Rivalry is the key word here. Your kids become rivals for your approval. That is unless you are always able to keep your approval neutral and stay out of their fights. That’s the hard part when you see one of them treating the other unfairly. Get on board with these tools so you can keep their arguing and bickering far away from any rivalry.Bonnie ...

No matter what your race, do you know how to talk to your kids in a coherent, age-appropriate way about race and racism? Were you brought up ignorant about racism, thinking it was only about someone else? I talk with Emma Redden and Grace Aldrich about their work in helping people discover their own histories in order to help their children understand theirs.Grace and Emma are community educators and work with groups of teachers, parents and caregivers. If you are interested in working with t...

Camille’s early childhood trauma still asserts itself through her body language when she bites her lip. Because of the work Camille has done, her 9 year old daughter, Aria, can call her on it. But that lip still betrays Camille whenever she feels those old triggering emotions. Listen in to learn how to become aware of what your body, if not your words and emotions, may be telling your children and how to neutralize the effect, so you don’t pass on the anxiety of your own traumatic experience....

Katherine wants her 9 year old to be able to stand up for herself and eventually save the world with her strength of spirit. But in the meantime, she unintentionally undermines that strength by not accepting it right now. Zelda perceives her parents as the enemy because she believes she must fight them to be heard. Her difficult “integrity” temperament worries her parents who get angry when they think she ignores them or says they’re mean. They try to explain, but the fight comes, not when Ze...

What would it mean for Erica to allow her friend to find her own way thru parenting that works for her? What does she need to give up to be the loving, compassionate friend she wants to be? These are the questions that get answered as Bonnie looks into the critical role of boundaries to determine what is Erica’s business and what is her friend’s. With the intention of helping her 13 year old daughter and friend get unleashed from a 5 year old’s tantrums, Erica wants to impose her better way b...

How do you reconnect with a child who has pushed you away because he believes he has failed you? How do answer an angry child who yells, “If yelling at you is the way I express my anger, why shouldn’t I be allowed to do that?” Ginger has long suffered from depression and when it hit rock bottom, her life turned upside down. Her ex got custody of the kids and now she’s fighting to get them back. The divorce, depression, and hospitalization understandably provoked fear and anger in her 9 and 11...

We all want our kids to stop fighting. But even our best intentions usually set up the next fight because we don’t understand what the bottom line really is. If we don’t truly get why siblings fight with each other, what they are really after and how we can fulfill that, we’ll never be able to use the necessary communication skills effectively and end the fighting once and for all. It’s common sense, but it requires a very different mindset. Tune in to hear Adam and Bonnie discuss how anger a...

All children feel afraid of things they perceive out of their control. Feeling scared, nervous, upset is all perfectly normal. Jess’ 7 year old daughter Lily is dealing with normal fears of a quiet, cautious child Jess worries is stuck in anxiety. Jess’s childhood fears were dismissed by an inconvenienced mother with little to no empathy. It’s no wonder Jess wants to rid her daughter of any of the fears that left her feeling alone, frightened and unsafe. To this day she gets triggered when sh...

Ruthie’s 14 year old daughter makes a lot of emotional noise which leaves her mother feeling bulldozed. Whenever Olivia is emotionally charged, Ruthie is triggered to backdown and block out the oncoming chaos of her daughter leaving Olivia without support. But this sensory overload is familiar to Ruthie. As a child, she learned to numb her exterior to protect her sensitive interior from the criticism and ridicule from her parents. Her hardened exterior developed to protect her scared interior...

Kristen is working hard to navigate her 50/50 parenting time, leaving her feeling unable to deal with her two children’s aggression toward her and each other. The highly structured life her 10 and 6 year olds have with their father provokes Kristen to compensate at the other end of the spectrum putting her needs on hold. Chaos leads to daily crisis. Kristen is too tired for strategies and worn down by the judgements when she hears, They never behave that way here.Bonnie Harris, MS.Ed., direct...

Katie has put a lot of time into her positive parenting. The problem is she can be a little too positive when trying to motivate her 5-year-old. Understanding her daughter’s temperament is a must for Katie to set appropriate expectations so as not to be inconsiderate of her needs. Katie would never intend to be inconsiderate, but when we break it down what happens, that’s what it is. This episode is a great lesson in what I call Connective Communication (the updated version of How to Talk to ...