Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally do-able sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It’s the sex education you WISH you’d had!
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Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally do-able sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It’s the sex education you WISH you’d had!
EPISODE 202: Am I being defensive, or am I defending myself?
Pillow Talks
54 minutes
2 weeks ago
EPISODE 202: Am I being defensive, or am I defending myself?
We’ve all had that moment — your partner brings something up, and suddenly you’re snapping back with a list of everything they did wrong. But wait… is that defensiveness, or are you just defending yourself?
This week, we’re diving into one of the trickiest relationship dynamics out there: defensiveness. And we’re not just talking about it — we’re unpacking real, raw stories straight from you.
From sex drive mismatches to mental load meltdowns, parenting disagreements to pasta-water disputes (yep, really), these stories highlight how easy it is to get caught in the cycle of feeling blamed, getting reactive, and shutting down.
But we’re also sharing tips to break out of that cycle — with more compassion, more understanding, and way fewer spirals.
What You’ll Hear In This Episode:
✅ What defensiveness actually looks like (and why it shows up so fast)
✅ The difference between explaining yourself and shutting down
✅ Real-life listener stories around parenting, mental load, and misunderstandings
✅ What it really means to validate your partner (without agreeing)
✅ How to talk to your partner without triggering defensiveness
✅Practical ways to pause, reflect, and repair (without spiraling)
Links & Resources:
Check out DEEPER — our new membership with full access to VanessaAI, monthly date night ideas, live calls with us, and more
Grab The Ultimate Foreplay Guides to level-up your pleasure skills
Follow us on Instagram for more relationship tips and convos
Want us to cover your story next? Keep an eye on our IG Stories for callouts
Join our email list – Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates: vmtherapy.com/subscribe
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Pillow Talks
Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally do-able sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It’s the sex education you WISH you’d had!
