Everyone wants to be a Scarlett, no one wants to be Dr. Plum. At the end of the day, Taylor Swift, you may be gay but let us tell you something…. You will never be queer. The moon was full and bright on the night of Addison Rae. The Family Stone reminded Ivana of the Christmas movie that her and Bella wrote, except theirs is so better. We’ve talked a lot of shit about Libras on this pod and now it’s like, yeah, Ivana’s eating crows pie. And some bad news: two of Bella’s loved ones doubted that she could successfully dress up as a knight...
Can you believe Ivana’s already on her third fairy book? She’s reading fast. The girls discover that at the centre of their Venn diagram is having a crush on Bad Bunny. Ivana making a TikTok is a bit like Taylor Swift making an album. Bella hates to be gendered on the pod but do you think One Battle After Another is a boy movie? We heard from our communities about scissoring. In a fully platonic way, it actually *is* a bit yummy to see Addison Rae so in their body. And are you guys ready to talk shit about Taylor Swift? If you don’t wanna do it, log off now.
The last time that Bella went to Medieval Times, Ivana wasn’t her Best Friend Forever yet. But she saw the stories. First and foremost: Fuck You J.K. Rowling. Ivana has a very exciting update about the Azerbaijani village family that she watches everyday on YouTube. Scissoring does exist in the sense that anything is possible between two human bodies. Bella doesn’t like fan service to gay people and Ivana doesn’t like dream sequences. And if you guys think this podcast is long, try Trisha Paytas’.
For listeners, Ivana’s hair is positively 1920s and her shirt is positively ribeye. Bella thinks it’s incredible to have a t-shirt with both Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande on it. Ivana didn’t know what the movie Snow White and The Huntsman means to Bella. If the makers of S3 Traitors Canada were interested in making a compelling season of television that would disrupt Canadian Media forever, they would’ve just centred the whole show around Ivana and Bella. And when this is out, everything will be different. Rah rah.
Update from last ep: Bella was haunted. Both the girls have Barenaked Ladies stories? Oh, I’m sure. Random but Ivana was shocked at Eve Babitz being good. Bella hates to take it to a place of toilet but she’s made a huge mistake. Ivana can't wait for Dua Lipa's theatre concept. Bella’s high school yearbook quote was “Mischief Managed” which sucks because she wasn’t in the year book at all. What mischief? How gay people will go to a JLo show, straight people will go to Oasis. Oh wait, we forgot to shut the tennis off.
Most conversation-starting card decks are made for people who hate each other. Question: do you guys think Bella is being haunted rn? Taylor Swift announcing her new album on a football podcast is oracle that Trump will be elected third term. And if you need Bella to explain that, she can’t even help you. Ivana receives a prophecy on a wedding dance floor. In Bella’s 2AM scrolling, she stumbled upon a card trick artist. They call it “cardistry.”If the girls managed to switch places “Freaky Friday” style, the only thing they would do is just keeping podcasting.
So basically what we’re gonna do is dance. And that’s an order. The girls can’t believe that Santana Lopez never got to do Sneaker Night. Basically Ivana went to Vancouver and Bella went to creek. Ivana will wear elf ears to the Ren Faire to reconnect with her ancestors. Meanwhile Bella is dead serious about making chainmail because "how hard can it be"? Ivana was finally exposed to the show that's sweeping the nation by storm and was shocked to learn they call this girl Belly. Bella fell off during “Dancing with the devil, the Art of Starting over” but previous to that, she’s off book on every single Demi Lovato song. Sorry, Ivana forgot her water bottle. And she has to fill it up.
Bella embraces Ivana and all of Ivana when she posts a thirst trap. The girls are doing "can I say?" about Justin Bieber this episode. Because guess what, a Pisces can be an asshole and a true romantic at the same time. Play by JLo is the original mother that the apple fell from the tree of that is Club Classics by Charli XCX. Bella poses a new age old question: today do you feel like Coconut Man, Moonhead or Pea? One might think Ivana is a Moonhead, but she is Pea through and through. It would make total sense for Andy Sachs from Devil Wears Prada to have become a power dyke after her transformative experience with Miranda Priestly. The girls have a hot take about Fifth Harmony: ALL good.
When it comes to Bella’s new post-surgery voice, it’s important to remember: a diva’s register is never low. Everything else is simply high. The girls shiver at having both interfaced with one Jax Taylor, and even manifest his firing. Hey, before we get the Biphobia Alarms going, remember that Ivana has the bi sticker! By the way, it’s OUR pod. So if you want to come on, you have to ask us. Anyways, Ivana is the economy, doll, and Bella is the substance. Oh, and Lorri’s here.
Bella’s not saying that LA has changed Ivana, but it’s a bit LA has changed Ivana. Prayers for Jojo Siwa, always. And guess what? Prayers to everyone. Even those who Ivana hates. Addison Rae’s whole brand is kind of, you would love her to be your older or younger sister. Or crush. The Fifth Harmony song “Squeeze” was formative to Ivana’s queerness. And Bella has had an imagination for as long as she can remember...
There’s a Pre-Camp and a Post-Camp.
The good thing about camping is that Bella survived. The bad thing about camping is that it was worse than you can even imagine. The girls ponder the age old question, what show would be more better than Hacks? Ivana really wants to rail against the TV industry making us believe that workplace is like family. Bella didn’t know that people could have the same birthday before Rosie O’Donnell. And turns out, it’s kind of hard to fight Pride when you’re proud.
This week, members of the brood who are Team Ivana get a win. Bella wasn’t hooked on the L Word but she was bricked up for Rizzoli & Isles. Is there any more perfect love song than the one that goes “When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie”? Ivana will just say this really quick: she’s in an email fight with the Enneagram Personality Test people. Bella synthesizes the ethos of the podcast into one simple question: tree or bush? Oh yeah, and Steph’s here. Don’t mind her.
Episode starts with some housekeeping questions: which version of yourself are you carrying with you and what food is your chart? For members of the brood who are Team Ivana, this is going to be a long episode for you because Bella has a lot to say. If the girls could get one message through to Hailey Bieber’s ears it would be: leaving him will make you a bonafide star. The way Ivana gets to do Two Astrologies of the Week, Bella now gets to do One Liza Fact of the Week. And seriously, please no one steal Ivana and Jaymes’ Ed Sheeran jukebox musical idea.
Let us take you to a world where Bella lives in Etobicoke and Ivana lives in a condo. With gay, it can be so confusing to know if you have a crush or if that’s your blood sister. Ivana feels that the culture is a bit anti-polyamory right now but she doesn’t read articles, as you know. Bella got lost in the thought that she had her wisdom teeth removed around the same time as Beyoncé’s digital drop. Unfortunately, due to timing, we’re going to have to push “which months are gay” until next episode. And Our message to Traitors Canada is simple: who if not us?
"Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls is leading Bella to ask the age old question, what do you feel like: a lady, a soldier, a doll, or a fella? Today, Ivana is a soldier. Look at any of the looks on the Met Gala red carpet and know that Blake Lively was doing that in "A Simple Favour" (2018). Bella confuses Ivana's controversially-older-girlfriend fantasy for Kathryn Hahn with ERICA Hahn. The fictional heart surgeon lesbian from season 2 of Grey's Anatomy, of course. Doing your Enneagram personality test with someone is like having gay sex in a different kind of way. It's radical to be she/her when you’re dressed like Ivana is. And until someone gives us a monetary sponsorship to be Proud, we will not be celebrating Pride.
Happy Lesbian Visibility week to Bella. Ivana, unfortunately, is feeling more bi than ever. If Ivana was on Love On The Spectrum her introduction would be: Ivana loves “The Idea Of You.” Ivana hates “Eileen.” Hey, can we ask you a question? Did you pay the tolls to the angels? Five gays told Bella she influenced Mayhem in the Desert. And five is a lot of gays. The greatest actress and star is Ivana for pretending she hasn’t heard Bella’s stories 18 times earlier. And finally, based on the carabiners JANGLING, things are changing in the spaces of Lorde’s identity. What other podcast is doing it like this?
As Lady Gaga says, the girls are living just as free as their hair. Ivana is experiencing the highs and joys of life in her rec league soccer group chat. If you feel weird about Ariana Grande, think about if you’re a good person and you love your friends. When it comes to Benny Blanco, Bella is a girl who says height matters. Inspired by Brian Johnson, Ivana is going to forgo a social life, dreams, and passions to maintain a routine. It’s official. The three greatest songs in the world are simply “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston/Dolly Parton, “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus, and “Vanish Into You” by Lady Gaga. Ivana wants her White Lotus finale predictions on record in case they come true. (Update: she was wrong about pretty much every point).
In true Our Pod fashion, our first ever guest does NOT have a microphone. But, it’s Steph (@steph.veiga on tt). You all get it. Bella got scared because she realized she didn’t have any skills for Steph’s homestead. Luckily now she’s getting really good at “fire.” And as Ivana says, fire is earth’s animation. When it comes to Divergent, Steph is a Dauntless and Bella knows that because they went to Tulum together. There is so much stigma around March. March is a Friday and that does NOT make April a Saturday! Steph and Ivana try to guess Bella’s favourite Gaga song but the thing about Bella is words don’t matter with her. And finally, when it comes to carabiner code, neither shall live while the other shall top...
Ivana poses one simple question to her sister: How are you? Bella thought she would get a heroes delivery to the OR for her cancer but… she just walked with her tight hospital pants. Puss basically out. Meanwhile at her birthday, Ivana made everyone make meaning out of the loot bags. Her genuine birthday wish: to spend more time gaming. As in playing games. Finally 50-minutes in, let’s get to the list. Ivana finally got hate-crimed and she can’t even really claim all of it herself. Bella, however, has been hate-crimed many times. Bella loves that Karla Sofia went to the Oscars. It’s not the time to be an evil trans woman… but if you are gonna be one, sure. Show up to the Oscars. And if Traitors Canada production is listening, don’t worry… no one will really know about this podcast. It’s a bit of a niche audience. GROWING EVERYDAY….
Azealia Banks is right. The gays have to sit this one out. Bella is treating Mayhem like it’s Gaga's self-titled. Ivana is going between Garden of Eden and Zombieboy. Garden of Eden and Zombieboy. And obviously, all of them. Bella knew at 12:01 am that Killah was the one. Ivana believes Gaga about her blade of grass story. Bella, not so much. Here’s the thing: Gaga's horny for Michael. And he’s a good boy. And if your only reference to 80s music is Taylor Swift, you were probably born a few years ago.
