An Ask Justin episode (yay) where I answer a question about how to open oneself up to getting back to a sub / bottom dynamic after a break from a big sexual trauma. Here's that interview with Cory I did about Curative Kink https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/cory-cascalheira-curative-kink If you have a question for the show ... justinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a session https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google form patreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show and also buy the zines I mentioned.

This week we look at a Dan Savage column. The reader is bored with the sex, but also gets shamed from his wife for wearing a ‘gay’ T-shirt. Dan’s advice has some helpful ideas and affirmations (despite it being a short Q&A). How does the politics of the advisor affect the advice? What is the reader / advisor relationship? Then I offer my own extra advice. Are there other little microfascisms going on? How to talk about issues. How dis/inhibition is a problem and evokes Irving Yalom’s ooze. What does thinking about affects, rather than causes and effects, do? It’s a long one I’m afraid! Email me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com justinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a session https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google form patreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show and also buy the zines I mentioned. Article of mine on how to make sex and relationships chats easier https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-to-make-sex-and-relationships-chats-easier/ This is a pretty nice article featuring that ‘ooze’ I was telling you about https://www.newstatesman.com/ideas/2025/04/irvin-yalom-confessions Here’s more about that particular book, thank you Kayleigh for lending me your copy. I never gave it back to you but I put it to good use. https://www.yalom.com/momma-the-meaning-of-life Here’s that article I referred to from Petra Boynton https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(15)00009-7/abstract Petra’s website No Star To Guide Me is a great starting point if you want to learn to give good advice https://nostartoguideme.com/ Here’s that podcast I did with Jacob Johannsen https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/jacob-johannsen-fantasy-online-misogyny-and-the-manosphere

Second opinion 3: Esther Calling: Will This Heartbreak Ever End? At a listener’s request this episode of Second Opinion features Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin podcast, in particular one of her ‘Esther Calling’ episodes, where she speaks with someone about their problem. In this case we can say that is exactly what she’s doing, although there are glimmers of good stuff, it’s mostly not good I don’t think. Anyway, endure / enjoy my long and rambly Second Opinion about Esther Calling: Will This Heartbreak Ever End. Email me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com justinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a session https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google form patreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show and also buy the zines I mentioned.

I started off doing a reading from my latest article at BISH about the difference between a kink and a fetish. You can read that here https://www.bishuk.com/your-questions/whats-the-difference-between-a-kink-and-a-fetish/ Then I went off on one talking about how an ethical fetishist (which many of us probably are) is probably doing something more consensual than most of the other kinds of fetishisations we may take part in in our daily lives. Commodities, labels, and ourselves. All of which might amount to us being little capitalists, micro-fascisms. Jeremy Gilbert wrote a piece about his book here https://www.opendemocracy.net/en/opendemocracyuk/common-ground/ Here's that paper on infantilisation and becoming-child https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00131857.2022.2128759#d1e417 Here's my stream with Sinan https://www.twitch.tv/videos/2554705347

"In summary, I am scared that I might have half-cheated on my girlfriend. Maybe not on paper, but in the grey zones. And then, that I didn’t respect her limits with my oversharing, because either I was too much trying to be transparent or just processing, easing my insecurity or guilt. I would very much appreciate your insights in how to disentangle that mess." In this episode I talk about relationships shouldn't just be about drawing hard lines. If we draw hard lines we run the risk of 'lining ourselves in' a corner, or a little box. Dividing our selves from our selves and relationships. Making us firmly held, and very unfree. How can our relationships become-other, to make a relationship a becoming? We need soft lines and lines of flight. When we have this, we will see our relationships as flourishing to an extent where we don't yet know what a relationship is capable of. Hope you like the ASMR direction at the end. https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching Got a question? Email me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com or go here https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

This is an advice episode for someone who is feeling a little fresh and inexperienced in a relationship with someone who has relationship baggage. How can she feel a bit more secure? How can a different way of relating to relationships and even 'the self' help all of us to create the size and shape of relationship that can do what we need it to do? You can book a one to one session with me and also ask questions for the show via the link below. https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

’m back with another Second Opinion. I’m doing another one of the Sexual Healing columns from the Guardian. Mostly because it’s so short but also it’s not pay-walled. I’m not going to reproduce the whole thing here, so you might want to click on the link to read the whole thing (it’s 340 words in total, for the question and answer) https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jul/08/my-boyfriend-is-almost-perfect-but-hes-too-vanilla-in-bed But the tl;dr is that the question is from a woman feeling bad that she’s dissatisfied that the sex she’s having with her lovely boyfriend is mundane. In the past she’s had sexy, experimental sex with men who weren’t as nice. The answer is that it’s understandable that she’s found herself in this relationship but is ‘endowing her boyfriend with fatherly attributes’ which makes it much less hot. So she should work on her unconscious to make the relationship work and try to use the relationship to find ways of attaching like an adult. For the full version of this head to https://www.patreon.com/culturesexrelationships Where you can also find the Make Your Own Sex Manual and Make Your Own Relationships User Guide resources I mentioned in the reading https://www.patreon.com/culturesexrelationships/shop

From Series 3 Episode 1 of Sex and the City "Later that day I got to thinking about fairytales. What if Prince Charming had never showed up? Would Snow White have slept in that glass coffin forever? or would she have eventually woken up, spit out the apple, gotten a job, a healthcare package and a baby from her local neighbourhoud sperm bank? I couldn't help but wonder. Inside every confident driven, single woman is there a delicate, fragile princess just waiting to be saved? Was Charlotte right? Do women just wanna be rescued?" In this episode of I Couldn’t Help But Wonder I discussed the idea of our insides (unconscious) and outsides (conscious) and whether our fairy stories entirely exist within us (as a Jungian archetype) or throughout us in a more Guattarian ‘machinic unconscious’ (within/without in an assemblage). Instead of asking what kind of archetype we are, we could ask ‘what would that do, and what else?’ In this way can we use these stories as part of our becomings? Might our Prince Charming and delicate fragile princess be with us in molecularised forms every day. How in our processes of our own becomings we have to learn to be our own primary caregiver in order to become….

I couldn’t help but wonder While women are certainly no strangers to faking it... ...we faked our hair color, cup-size. Hell, we've even faked fur. I couldn't help but wonder, has fear of being alone... ...suddenly raised the bar on faking? Are we faking more than orgasms? Are we faking entire relationships? Is it better to fake it than be alone? Faking it implies that you know what ‘it’ is. The way that we talk about faking something is that it’s bad. An inauthenticity. That we are not being our true selves. Miranda’s orgasms in the episode is a good example to draw on Faking it till you make it. Maybe faking can be a potential line of flight? A becoming?

In this blog I try to use Deleuze & Guattari's ideas to help us to understand the current awful transphobia. Hopefully you'll find it useful (and easy enough to understand) with some hopeful / helpful ideas. Free at my CSR Patreon https://www.patreon.com/posts/molar-and-gender-127351062?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link

This one is a (very) extended reading of my advice article How Can We Have a Better Relationship With Our Phones over at BISH. https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-can-we-have-a-better-relationship-with-our-phones/ Here's the podcast I was on discussing Adolescence https://praxiscast.podbean.com/e/e333-dudes-dont-rock-ft-justin-hancock/ Let me know if you have any questions or if I've missed any links. Justin

Ask Justin: Why are they unavailable to me and then magically available with others by Justin Hancock

Here's a shorter version of a longer chat (by myself, but with you) about dating apps. Why people might be fed up of them some of the micropolitics at play and how we might actually make use of them. Here's a really interesting podcast from the Centre for Sex, Love and Relationships https://ahc.leeds.ac.uk/homepage/420/centre-for-love-sex-and-relationships and here's a piece I contributed some ideas for at the FT https://www.ft.com/content/17fb28ae-1e0c-4a32-8c26-59e15c821a48

I was delighted to be joined by friend of the show, esteemed historian, and GF Dr Eleanor Janega to do another Sex Jams episode. We decided to do two Chappell Roan songs to do a compare and contrast, one a song about sex but not a sex jam, the other a relationship song that is a sex jam (in our humble opinion). Anyway, here are the songs Red Wine Supernova https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS6ixn2berk  Casual https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfSjnsYiY_A And I hope you enjoy our conversation! Here is Eleanor's website where you can find all of her excellent work https://eleanorjanega.com/ You can also go back through the feed to find a conversation we had about her book, The Once and Future Sex. Justin

It was about how to go about dating when in a committed relationship anarchy (RA) / non-hierarchical / abundant relating arrangement and when you are planning on having a kid with someone from that arrangement. I asked the listener to listen to the recording before I published it to make sure that it was vague enough and they okayed it and said it was helpful :-) If you have a question let me know! culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com or via link.tree/culturesexrel

Okay so, I like to maintain close friendships with my exes who are important to me, but I’m struggling with knowing and enforcing my boundaries in those relationships. It’s got to the point where I’ve introduced a new partner to an ex at an event or party and unsurprisingly they’ve got on very well - so well that on a few occasions there’s been some flirting and once or twice some deeper romantic feelings from one of them (though nothing has ever been acted upon as far as I’m aware). It seems that in an effort for everyone to feel okay, an ex and a new partner latch on to each other, but it can leave me feeling quite stressed and pushed out. Also I tend to date people that are quite extraverted and I’m more introverted/socially anxious, so their instinct when this happens is to (friendlily) assert their social position, and my instinct is to withdraw. I’m happy that my ex and new partner get along and are making an effort to make each other and themselves comfortable, but I seem to end up feeling very uncomfortable. At the same time, if my ex is important in my life, but I have a new partner or a close friend that I enjoy being friends with independently, it feels unfair and logistically difficult for me to either keep them apart or dictate the closeness of their friendship. And if I try to not invite my ex to a social event, when we’re part of a similar social world, they then understandably end up feeling hurt, and left out or pushed away. I don’t want to cut off my exes, but as I get older I seem to be developing a bigger and bigger web of complicated dynamics that is making me increasingly stressed out in social situations. It’s making me want to cut ties with everyone and leave this city! P.s. I’m queer if you hadn’t already guessed. It’s okay to set some boundaries, or to say how you’re feeling, or to ask for people to have a bit of extra care Let’s think about the ‘thisness’ of the terms ‘extroverted / introverted / socially anxious’ You seem to be disavowing your own power to act here power over and power to. It’s a complex entanglement where the affective power is moving throughout This entanglement isn’t over there, you’re in it. It is you. Instead of ‘stressed out in social situations. It’s making me want to cut ties with everyone and leave this city!’ what would you like to be instead? Imagine your best hopes came true, what will you notice?

In this first episode of ‘Second Opinion’ I give my alternative advice to someone asking for advice from another advice columnist. Here is the original advice. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/mar/12/my-wife-refuses-to-end-affair-she-enjoys-the-sex-what-should-i-do I chat about the background to newspaper advice columns, and why this one might be so short and what’s happened to advice giving generally in mainstream media. Here’s the paper I mentioned by Petra https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(15)00009-7/abstract and here’s her website https://nostartoguideme.com/ This one being so short means that it may not be long enough to be useful (I’m certain that the advice giver would give excellent advice if she were given longer). It being so short also means that it relies on repeating a common sense discourse, or a should story, of how we should be navigating sex and relationships. Then I give my advice. There are different kinds of relationship models from strict monogamy all the way to a less hierarchical way of relating that doesn’t just focus on the sexual and/or romantic kind. You could break up Why is she telling you? If it’s just about hurting you and treating you without any consent at all, it’s important for you to recognise that What boundaries can you put in How much do you want to know What can she do for you to make it easier? What other freedoms might you have? She’s had the freedom to, in what ways might you get that? Put everything on the table Use a resource, like my relationship user guide zine Perhaps doing this will reveal some cracks that might be useful, perhaps there’s something there for you to explore Also a line of flight. Let’s say that you decide to stay together and have this perfect relationship even though you aren’t having the sex which you (presumably) would still like to have. How would you know? What difference would it make? If you were able to take this otherwise perfect relationship, how would you, as a team, assemblage, manage this with consent, safety and maximum pleasure?

Hey! My question is about transitioning and sex. First some background information: My partner is non-binary and I'm genderqueer. Both are assigned female at birth. My partner's "gender journey" has been difficult, but I think they are finally coming into their own (they have been having trans affirming medical care). We have been together for six years. For the first two years we used to have regular sex, and my partner would usually take initiative. After figuring out their gender, the recurrence of sex has become less and less, and now we go months without having sex or more intimacy than light kisses and some cuddling. Their difficulties have a lot to do with ___________ I'm at my wit's end, getting more and more desperate to have intimacy with my partner. Even talking about it makes them stressed, ashamed and sad. So I feel like there is nothing I can do - I can't initiate (they feel pressured) or try to talk about it with them. We have gone to couple's therapy before, which has helped us in understanding each other more and better communicate, but when it comes to sex we are stuck. Some part of me hopes that getting _________ will help, but of course, there is no certainty in that. A year ago I almost broke up with my partner (some other things were going on, but most of it stems from lack of intimacy), and although we recommitted, I think my partner still feels very insecure about it. I feel hopeless, rejected, unattractive (although my partner tries to reassure me it's not me) and - to be honest - sexually frustrated. I really don't know what to do! My partner expresses that they would like to have sex in theory, but rarely feel like it. The few times we have sex it is good (as far as I can tell for both parts). How can I navigate this? What can I do to help my partner? Sorry for a very long question, I hope you will try to answer it :) Firstly I say I'm sorry that this sounds really difficult. I talked about my own experience of being in a long relationship with little sex and that we broke up (and I'm now very happy). I said that I would return to this at the end as an option, but didn't. So just to say here, you could in fact break up. Might help to get away from trying to find cause and effect, or problem and solution. Gets us away from particular aspects of the gender transition having a particular affect Everything is matter and it's all related to each other, which means that things can have self causing causes. What does that idea do? Sex can be a place where gender becomes Puberty (here's my puberty resource at BISH https://www.bishuk.com/bodies/puberty/ ) Instead of making your bodies do what they were doing before together, what else can they do? The body without organs? We don't know what the body is capable of Different kinds of sex / intimacy. Here's that episode about gender affirming therapy https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/gender-affirming-therapy Different kinds of relationships The exception! When you do have sex what is good? How do you know? Best hopes conversation

"Background: I am a queer nonbinary person, in a relationship with another queer nonbinary person. In this case it's relevant to note that we both are people with vulvas. I’ve had lots of sexual experience with men with penises before this relationship but I haven’t for the last few years. I now find myself dreaming about it, especially when I’m ovulating. I also experience discomfort at not being able to have both a penis and a vagina. In a dream world I'd be able to have one, both, neither. My question: is it 'ethical' / 'ok' to look for a friendship with a penis-haver where I can explore touching/holding a penis, perhaps experiment with some penetration (of me)? I loved this part of my teenage relationships. Or is this fetishisation? Could it come under the category of kink? Aren't people often into the genitals of other people? I feel like this kind of friendship it would need to be someone I can have a lot of trust with, therefore likely to be a queer person. I feel like I can't put this in a Feeld bio or anything, as it will upset people, very understandably. But don't know how to go about it, or if I could as it will upset people, very understandably. But don't know how to go about it, or if I could."

I dated someone who was about to become a spiritual leader / teacher a decade ago and completely left the religion. I can’t help but think their first love was God. He never been in a relationship and had said ‘I don’t know how to love one person let alone more right now’ when speaking of polyamory. He has a lot of shame and had a alot of sex outside intimacy. But with me, He was present, made so much effort when I fitted around his schedule. I started saying I miss him and expressed I liked him because I wasn’t clear where this was going. after three months he ended the relationship - infuriating as his excuse was ‘I’m just not feeling what I’m supposed to be feeling at three months’ (Rich for someone who dismisses And avoids talking of feelings) . I know I have rejection issues and I know where they come from. With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potential. I have so much empathy for this person . It’s not a question, so this isn’t an answer. Perhaps I can give you a mapping of what appears to be going on, what unappears to be going on, and a line of flight which might help you in your becoming …. “Never been in a relationship” “I don’t know how to love one person” It seems from the get go that this was someone who was communicating that they either couldn’t give you a kind of relationship you wanted, or would find it very difficult. How do we do relationships with people who don’t know how to do them? “With you he was present, made so much effort when you fitted around his schedule.” What were you pleased to notice about yourself in those days? Write them down? “I miss him and expressed I liked him because it wasn’t clear where this was going” What if we say we like someone without it where being unclear about something is going is actually really good? Territorialisation - deterritorialisation - reterritorialisation. Little islands. Rhizomes that couldn’t map onto each other. A non-relation rather than an emergence. “Rejection issues and I know where they come from.” I’m not sure I know what rejection issues are. An acute sense of pain from rejection, or a more chronic pain of rejection. Is it a fear of rejection or some kind of welcoming of them? Are the rejection issues ‘the thing about you’ or do they do something? How do you know? Let’s frame this as a best hope: what difference would it make if you didn’t have rejection issues? What would you have or be or become instead? Knowings: first love was god. A lot of shame. Dismisses and avoids talk of feelings. With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potential Or with that comes the possibilities of hope and recognising potential? What if the rejection issues gave you a certain power to act that, if you could act on it in a particular way, could be really helpful for you? I have so much empathy for this person What does that do? What if your empathy was another superpower which could be turned on the whole of the external world around you? What if that included you? A more than human perspective Refrains - how you might deterritorialise them. Changing tunes, rhythms, words. Best hopes not deficits. Abundance not scarcity. Possibilities not lack.