The Cinema Duces Tecum goes full splits as they dive crotch-first into the 1991 Jean-Claude Van Damme twin-sanity, Double Impact—a movie that dares to ask, “What if one JCVD isn’t enough… and two is borderline unwatchable?”
One is slick, the other is greasy. One wears silk underwear. The other probably hasn’t worn underwear since Reagan was in office. Together, they team up to avenge their murdered parents, reclaim the family fortune, and possibly invent new forms of emotional trauma.
As the crew unpacks this sweat-soaked action fever dream, important legal and philosophical questions emerge:
Does one’s silk underwear wardrobe count as admissible character evidence—or fashion over substance?
Is running an evil syndicate from the “Climax Club” fraudulent business practice or just shameful branding?
In classic Cinema Duces Tecum fashion, the episode ends in a mock trial—and this time, justice pulls a double split.
Next up: the crew locks itself behind bars with JCVD’s Death Warrant, where prison corruption runs deep, the plot makes parole early, and one man’s roundhouse kick might just fix the system.
In this week’s episode, the Cinema Duces Tecum team makes a catastrophic error in judgment: they watch Freddy Got Fingered. Of their own volition. On purpose.
What unfolds is less a film discussion and more a four-way group therapy session hosted inside a flaming porta-potty. Tom Green’s infamous 2001 comedy—which critics called everything from “offensive” to “evidence of a cultural collapse”—is dissected, defended, and occasionally prosecuted in a court of law that exists only in our minds.
What follows is not a review. It's a forensic autopsy.
Among the wreckage:
A debate on whether horse masturbation is “farming, Daddy”, or a criminal act?
A heated disagreement over whether licking an open skateboarding wound counts as first aid or just playground science
And of course: did Freddy ever actually get fingered, or was that just emotional projection from a very broken man?
In classic Cinema Duces Tecum fashion, things end in mock trial: Eric prosecutes, Peter defends, and we all suffer.
Freddy may or may not have gotten fingered. But the rest of us? We’ve definitely been touched.
Next Episode: A Jean-Claude Van Damme double feature so muscular it should be illegal: Double Impact and Death Warrant.
-Yakwala
This week on the Cinema Duces Tecum Podcast, we return to Cleveland, where ducks are arrested, lasers malfunction catastrophically, and a small, angry waterfowl might be humanity’s last hope — or its greatest mistake.
Steven “Sticky Rice” Betz, Peter “Homework Optional” Borruso, James “the House Cat” Bradford, and Eric “El Gallo” Arias plunge deeper into Howard the Duck’s chaotic second half, grappling with:
The tragic transformation of Dr. Walter Jennings into the Dark Overlord, complete with laser eyes, psychic knives, and nuclear plant walk-ins requiring zero security clearance.
Howard’s questionable heroism, as he squawks about constitutional rights, throws away perfectly good weapons, and lets Tim Robbins do all the heavy lifting — while still somehow getting the credit.
The diner standoff at Joe Roma’s Cajun Sushi, where locals attempt to season, pluck, and sauté Howard live on the griddle, forcing him to unleash his deadliest martial art: Quack Fu.
A deep dive into laser ethics, dirty shoe Malort shots, and whether seasoning a feathered duck makes culinary sense without plucking first — plus shocking revelations about Duckworld law, extradition treaties, and intergalactic Miranda rights.
Trivia bombs including: Duck Hunt’s timeline controversy, why Howard the Duck was blamed for the creation of Pixar, and whether the real villain here was George Lucas’ mortgage payment.
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder, strap in — because next week, we’re trading duck bills for daddy issues with our most controversial pick yet: Freddy Got Fingered (2001).
This week on the Cinema Duces Tecum Podcast, we bravely dive beak-first into Howard the Duck—a movie audacious enough to ask: What if Marvel’s cinematic pioneer was a horny, interdimensional duck who inexplicably lands in 1980s Cleveland?
Join our elite team of cinematic defenders—Steven “Sticky Rice” Betz, Peter “I go on tangents” Borruso, James “the House Cat” Bradford, and Eric “El Gallo” Arias—as they wade through Howard’s disturbing yet strangely compelling adventures, including:
Howard’s mastery of "Quack Fu," martial arts so impressive it nearly distracts from his troubling wallet contents (seriously, who carries an open condom?).
His questionable career move into managing a seedy spa that makes Vegas look tame.
A bedroom scene that bravely explores the boundaries of interspecies relationships, pushing cinematic discomfort to new, feathery heights.
Special highlights include:
Yakwala, the neon-green tribute to Kerbango, featuring Midori Sour, Malort, and bad decisions, as our hosts continue their tragic quest for Malort sponsorship.
Trivia tidbits on which A-list actors wisely dodged voicing Howard, existential ponderings on duck anatomy, and Peter shockingly revealing he actually has webbed feet (yes, it's true).
Spirited debates on whether Howard’s actions constitute crimes and if there's any universe where Howard escaping Cleveland could be considered a happy ending.
Tune in for part two, where we'll finally answer the burning questions: Is Howard legally culpable? Will his interspecies romance blossom or crash horribly? And most importantly, who exactly thought making this movie was a good idea?
Cinema Duces Tecum: Where justice meets terrible cinema, and everyone's childhood memories are fair game. Yakwala.
This week on the Cinema Duces Tecum Podcast, we bravely dive into the murky depths of Anaconda—a film audacious enough to ask: What if a documentary crew with zero survivalinstincts took on the deadliest predator in the Amazon… and lost to Jon Voight’s accent? And more importantly, how many rewrites can a script survive before it becomes a nature documentary directed by Tommy Wiseau?
Our elite team of cinematic public defenders—Stephen “Sticky Rice” Betz, Peter “I go on tangents” Borruso, James “the House Cat” Bradford, and Eric “El Gallo” Arias—brave the swampy nonsense to dissect Anaconda’s most egregious crimes against nature, logic, and acting, including:
Throughout this episode, we passionately debate whether Anaconda is a forgotten gem or simply a lucky disaster, explore the dubious logic behind snake explosions and questionable survival strategies, and dream up the definitive Anaconda sequel (because the world obviously needs more reptilian thrills). We give special shout-outs to our loyal listeners (Matt from Rochester, we've got you!), navigate the uncomfortable territory of jungle seduction, and finally answer the eternal cinematic question: Is Anaconda secretly brilliant, or just a fever-induced hallucination?
🎬 Next up: By special request, we're diving into Howard the Duck—a movie that asks, “What if Marvel’s first cinematic hero was a horny, interdimensional duck with a jazz band?” Start emotionally preparing now, because we’re about to wade beak-first into the most feathered film ever made.
Yakwala.
This week on Cinema Duces Tecum, your hosts Stephen "Sticky Rice" Betz, Eric "El Gallo" Arias, James "The Cinema Savant" Bradford, and Peter "I Go on Tangents" Borruso plunge into Tommy Wiseau's infamous film, The Room, bravely questioning whether this cinematic enigma is profound tragedy or hilariously misguided melodrama.
Join us as we wade through:
Johnny’s inexplicably saintly demeanor despite navigating betrayal more obvious than Mark’s impeccable hair styling.
Denny’s baffling subplot, featuring questionable apples, unclear intentions, and drug dealers who magically teleport onto rooftops.
The groundbreaking and inexplicable use of the "Cheep-Cheep-Cheep-Cheep" taunt—possibly cinema's most puzzling insult since the invention of talking films.
Together, we'll explore deep philosophical debates: Did Johnny deserve that elusive promotion, or was the bank justifiably cautious of his inexplicable accent and equally mysterious origins?
We’ll grapple with tough cinematic queries: Could Denny's voyeurism subplot have altered the trajectory of film history? Is the roof actually "The Room" Wiseau had in mind all along? And was Mark a decent friend if you overlook that tiny detail about sleeping with Johnny's fiancé?
Prepare yourself for a spirited blend of satire, cinematic critique, and existential wonder as we untangle whether The Room is a visionary work of misunderstood genius or just a stunning monument to dramatic ineptitude.
🎬 Next Episode: We transition from Wiseau’s world of inexplicable melodrama to martial arts mayhem in Jaguar Lives. Buckle up for an episode packed with punches, kicks, and even more questionable storytelling.
This week on the Cinema Duces Tecum Podcast, we take a 30,000-foot nosedive into Drop Zone—a film that bravely dares to ask: What if criminals were also expert skydivers? and How much of this script was written by Gary Busey mid-freefall?
Joining us is Salty Joe Gocke, our so-called expert witness (which just means he watched this movie twice and now thinks he has credentials). Together, we analyze some truly bold filmmaking choices, such as:
Along the way, we debate whether Drop Zone is an underappreciated work of genius or just a glorious accident, break down the physics of its questionable stunts, and even pitch the ultimate Drop Zone prequel (because, yes, the world obviously needs that). Plus, we give special shout-outs to our dedicated listeners (yes, we’re looking at you, Sweat Pro 28), explore the absurd underworld of skydiver bars, and finally settle the age-old question: Is this movie secretly brilliant, or is it just a head injury in cinematic form?
🎬 Next Up: By special request from Pico de Gallo, we’re diving into The Room—so start practicing your "Oh hi, Mark" now, because things are about to get even weirder.
In this episode of Cinema Duces Tecum, the gang pops open a Kerbango and plunges into the chaotic world of Battlefield Earth.
Is it an underrated sci-fi masterpiece or a catastrophic flop?With a mix of sharp critique and comedic analysis, the crew dissects everything from John Travolta's over-the-top performance to the baffling physics of Harrier jets left untouched for 1,000 years. They debate whether the film is a misunderstood gem or a cinematic catastrophe, with passionate defenses, brutal takedowns, and even a haiku to sum it all up.
Along the way, the crew delves into:
✔️ Earl Pascoe, the most memorable bartender in film history, whose legacy outlives his screen time.
✔️ The mystery of Harrier jets fueled by centuries-old, never-ending energy.
✔️ The astonishing efficacy of a simple nose clip in alien atmospherics.
✔️ The downfall of an empire by one man, one simulator, and graphics reminiscent of a Windows 98 screensaver.
✔️ And, of course, Kerbango: the extraterrestrial beverage of choice for champions (and dubious budgetary decisions).
Grab your Kerbango, settle in for a barrage of laughs, and perhaps a new appreciation (or disdain) for this infamous film. Next up, "Drop Zone"—will it soar or crash? Tune in to find out!
In this episode, the hosts take a deep dive into Home Alone 4, a straight-to-TV sequel that many fans of the franchise prefer to forget. With a mix of humor, sarcasm, and genuine bewilderment, they dissect the film’s nonsensical plot, questionable acting, and bizarre production choices—including why it was filmed in South Africa.
The episode kicks off with the usual banter and introductions, including the debut of a new nickname for host Eric, sparking a hilarious conversation about language mishaps. From there, the team breaks down the film’s storyline, from the baffling family dynamics of the McCallisters to Marv Merchant’s inexplicable return as a villain.
Key topics include:
As always, the hosts cap off the discussion with their signature courtroom-style closing arguments, passionately arguing whether Home Alone 4 is so bad it’s good—or just irredeemably awful. They also tease the next film on their hit list: Drop Zone (1994), starring Wesley Snipes and Gary Busey.
If you love bad movies and even better discussions, this is an episode you don’t want to miss. Tune in for a hilarious and insightful critique of one of the most puzzling sequels ever made!
The epic tale of a humble everyman—just your average dad, ex-CIA operative, Ph.D., M.D., world-renowned virologist, holistic medicine guru, and part-time rancher—who single-handedly dismantles a white supremacist militia and halts a global pandemic that, naturally, kicks off in the sprawling metropolis of Ennis, Montana
The first episode of Cinema Duces Tecum, the barristers break down the 1985 classic Gymkata. This action film blends the discipline, the timing, and the power of gymnastics with the explosive power of karate. When you combine this “martial art” with a plot that is full of shenanigans and nonsensical twists and turns, you have a movie so bad it is good, Gymkata!
