Sex positivity is the idea that all sex, provided it's healthy and explicitly consensual, is good. But what happens when a complicated theoretical idea like sex positivity gets packaged up for the mainstream? And which voices are missing from the conversation?
Sex positivity is the idea that all sex, provided it's healthy and explicitly consensual, is positive.
Philadelphia-based sex educator Melissa Fabello describes it like this:
"Many of us live in sex negative cultures where sex is demonised and stigmatised, and we're not really given space to explore our sexuality in happy and healthy ways. Sex positivity says, 'Well no, sex and sexuality can be really beautiful, amazing part of the human experience... and we should give people the space to explore what sexuality means to them'."
Sex positivity isn't a new idea, but since the early 2000s it's gone mainstream.
In BANG! we've heard dozens of stories from Kiwis who found incredible freedom in embracing sex positivity, often rejecting sex-negative upbringings to do so.
Shelley* told us about growing up in a Christian household, where virginity and purity were highly prized, and the struggles she faced as a 29-year old virgin who didn't hold those beliefs anymore.
Rosie* shared how finding the label "autochorrisexual" to describe her specific type of asexuality, freed her from the shame of not being "normal" and helped her to open up to a few close friends.
Henry* described the ways he worked through ideas about masculinity and sexuality to approach his premature ejaculation with a sense of humour and without embarrassment.
Social media has helped facilitate the mainstream acceptance of sex positivity, but the messages have become oversimplified, and in some cases the pressure to be "positive" about sex can lead to problems..
In this episode of BANG!, 18-year old Henrietta Fisher describes feeling pressure to hook up with a guy even though she wasn't sure she wanted to. The fact that her friends were trying to get the two of them alone and encouraging her to "get it girl!" made it trickier.
"It ended up happening and it made me feel terrible... Something I've noticed, especially with my female friends, it that the culture of sex positivity encourages them to go out and be promiscuous and experiment with their sexuality which is a cool thing... encourages bad and undesirable experiences for the sake of experiences," she says.
Melissa Fabello says the idea that women want to be sexually liberated has been turned into an expectation that they have to be "up for anything."…
What you think of as kinky and what I think of as kinky might be two different things, but it generally means behaviours and fantasies outside of the sexual 'norm'. In this episode, Melody talks with a bunch of kinky people about what gets them off and why, learns some great lessons about consent and asks the question - is it best we brought these practices out in the open, or are they best left behind closed doors?
Kink is described as activities and fantasies falling outside of the "normal" boundaries of sex and intimacy.
But what is normal? Light choking seems pretty kinky, but according to a whole lot of reports from women who have sex with men, the practice is increasingly common. Anal sex, too.
Leaving aside incidences where consent isn't explicitly obtained (which is never OK) or where someone is coerced into going along with something they don't want to (also never OK), at what point does a kinky behaviour become vanilla*?
In this episode of BANG! Melody Thomas speaks with kinky Kiwis about what they're into, how they negotiate consent, and what vanilla relationships could learn from their communities.
Poet Hadassah Grace has just released her first collection titled 'How To Take Off Your Clothes' - based in part on her experiences working in the sex industry. As well as a couple of years stripping, she worked as a "prodomme' or professional dominatrix. But while Hadassah has dominated people both for living and for fun, and enjoyed it, at heart she's "really a sub".
"My running joke is I want a feminist in the streets and a physical manifestation of the patriarchy in the sheets," she laughs.
Hadassah's fantasies largely fall under the "dominance and submission" part of the BDSM acronym (the others are bondage and discipline - the B&D - and sadism and masochism - the S&M).
And she's not alone. At the time of writing this article I was contacted by Madeleine Holden, writing for MEL Magazine in Los Angeles, to comment on a piece about men who were being asked to take on a dominant role in sex. A male friend recently confided in me how common it was to be asked by women he was having casual sex with to be choked or spanked.
In fact research suggests that fantasies of being dominated are incredibly common among both women and men.
The ways individuals interpret those fantasies depends largely on how they were socialised.
For cis, straight men who were taught to be confident and not to show vulnerability, there can be a lot of shame around fantasies of submission…
It's a BANG! takeover! RNZ Nights host Bryan Crump is joined in the studio by Melody Thomas and father-daughter sex advice duo Nic and Lena Beets, to answer questions from the audience and talk about common difficulties faced by people in long term relationships.
Recorded at Bats Theatre in Wellington as part of the NZ Fringe Festival, this is BANG! Live. Featuring Tawa mum and sex toy expert Abby Lund, Morgana Watson on menstruation in Te Ao Maori prior to colonisation plus how to use your cycle to your advantage, and father-daughter sex and relationship advice duo Nic and Lena Beets answer audience questions.
Ethical non monogamy is nothing new - but an increasing number of people are giving it a go. Research from the US reports that 4-5% of people identify as polyamorous, and 20% have tried a version of ethical non monogamy at some point in their lives. Here in NZ, memberships in polyamory Facebook groups and on websites like nzswingers.co.nz continue to grow. Melody Thomas speaks with ethically non-monogamous kiwis about how they manage their relationships, and experts offer some advice.
In this episode of BANG!, Melody Thomas speaks with people practicing polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and "relationship anarchy". Plus Auckland-based counsellor Dee Morgan and co-author of polyamory handbook The Ethical Slut Janet W. Hardy give their advice.
In the US, it's estimated that about 4 to 5 percent of people practice polyamory, and 20% have attempted some kind of "ethical non-monogamy" in their lives.
The private NZ Polyamory Facebook group has more than 1000 members, KiwiSwingers.co.nz claims to have more than 100,000 people signed up and workshops and talks about how to open up your relationship are popping up around the country.
Anecdotally, people who have been part of ethically non-monogamous communities for decades report that practitioners are a more diverse bunch than ever before.
Janet W. Hardy, author of polyamory bible The Ethical Slut, says, "The nature of our audiences has changed... in the old days it was mostly Renaissance Fair geeks and old hippies and other people who were on the fringes, and these days it's everybody."
Rosie Morrison, 27, grew up in Timaru. She first heard about polyamory when she moved to Wellington and met a bunch of people who were doing relationships differently.
"At the start I think I was pretty taken aback like, 'whoa that's radical!' She says. "By the end I was like, 'I want in! I want in, that sounds awesome."
The word polyamory comes from two other words - poly, which is Greek for many or several, and amor, the Latin for love. Basically it's the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, where all partners are consenting and enthusiastically onboard.
For Rosie, who had had various short term relationships and "summer flings" but had never felt herself able to commit to more, this new way of doing things was music to her ears…
In Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, co-authors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha take what they call the "standard narrative" of human sexual evolution and re-examine it through a different lens: suggesting that sexual exclusivity was not a part of our ancestor's expectations around relationships. Highlighting research in the fields of primatology, anthropology, evolutionary psychology and biology, Christopher Ryan tells Melody Thomas that monogamy is far from "natural" for our species, and that we'd have a much easier time with it if we went in informed.
Here's the story we've been told:
For as long as humans have existed, men and women have made a trade. He offers her protection, food, shelter and status, and in return she promises to be his "one and only", so he can be sure of his paternity when it comes to her children.
They enter into this bargain despite conflicting biological agendas. Because sperm is metabolically inexpensive, it's in his best interest to spread his seed as far and wide as possible. Because she's facing a long pregnancy, plus breastfeeding and a couple of years with a toddler - it's in her best interest to lock him in.
And there's no escaping it, because it's written into our DNA.
Christopher Ryan, author of Sex At Dawn: "If monogamy were natural to us, it'd be easy."
In Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, co-authors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá; take this story, which they refer to as the "standard narrative of human sexual evolution" and flip it on its head.
Analysing decades of research from the fields of primatology, anthropology, evolutionary psychology and biology, Ryan and Jethá; build a picture of human sexual evolution in which "sexual exclusivity was not really part of our ancestor's expectations around relationships."
Basically - our ancestors were much more sexually promiscuous than the 'standard narrative' has given them credit for, and this appetite for sexual variety, sharing sexual partners in much the same way as other resources were shared, served both to ensure genetically healthy offspring and to reinforce group bonds at a time when social cohesion was incredibly important.
This is how it works for bonobos - the great ape that is one of two closest extant relative to humans, along with the common chimpanzee…
We all know how it goes - two people meet, they fall in love, they decide to get married and live happily ever after. We've heard different versions of this story so many times, many of us never stop to ask if it's what we want for ourselves, or whether there are other options. In this episode, author of Sex at Dawn Christopher Ryan explains what we can learn about monogamy from our hunter-gatherer ancestors, kiwi couples share some of the ups and downs of decades together, and sex therapist Nic Beets provides valuable advice
In this episode, Kiwi couples share some of the ups and downs of decades together, sex therapist Nic Beets provides valuable advice, and Sex at Dawn co-author Christopher Ryan reveals what our hunter-gatherer ancestors can teach us about monogamy.
Here's the story we've been told:
For as long as humans have existed, men and women have made a trade. He offers her protection, food, shelter and status, and in return she promises to be his "one and only", so he can be sure of his paternity when it comes to her children.
They enter into this bargain despite conflicting biological agendas. Because sperm is metabolically inexpensive, it's in his best interest to spread his seed as far and wide as possible. Because she's facing a long pregnancy, plus breastfeeding and a couple of years with a toddler - it's in her best interest to lock him in.
And there's no escaping it because it's written into our DNA.
In Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, co-authors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá take this story, which they refer to as the "standard narrative of human sexual evolution", and flip it on its head.
Analysing decades of research from the fields of primatology, anthropology, evolutionary psychology and biology, Ryan and Jethá; build a picture of human sexual evolution in which "sexual exclusivity was not really part of our ancestor's expectations around relationships".
Basically - our ancestors were much more sexually promiscuous than the 'standard narrative' has given them credit for, and this appetite for sexual variety, sharing sexual partners in much the same way as other resources were shared, served both to ensure genetically healthy offspring and to reinforce group bonds at a time when social cohesion was incredibly important.
This is how it works for bonobos - the great ape that is one of two closest extant relative to humans, along with the common chimpanzee…
Research shows that putting a name to a feeling helps manage it. In this episode, three BANG! listeners talk about things they've struggled with and the steps they've taken to deal with them, plus father-daughter sex advice duo Nic and Lena Beets step in with practical advice. Today's topics: vaginismus, erectile dysfunction and period sex.
Research shows that naming feelings helps manage them.
In this episode, three BANG! listeners name the things they've struggled with and talk about the steps they've taken to deal with them. Father-daughter sex advice duo Nic and Lena Beets also offer some practical advice.
Featured below is Anna's* story, about her experience with a condition called vaginismus. Listen to the full podcast episode to hear John* talking about erectile dysfunction, and Chessie and Amy on menstruation and "period sex".
Anna was undergoing a routine pap smear when she realised something was wrong.
"I was in a lot of pain and swearing a lot at the doctor," she says. The doctor, seeing nothing wrong with Anna's vagina, continued her examination as normal despite her protestations.
After the pap smear alerted her GP to a polyp that required surgery, Anna had a follow up gynaecological exam that was equally painful. This time her doctor knew what was going on, and after a short conversation, informed Anna that she had something called vaginismus.
"She said to me 'If you ever think about having children use an epidural'... And that was pretty much the end of the conversation," says Anna.
Like any person who'd just had a medical label slapped on them with little explanation, Anna went straight home and started researching.
Described as an "involuntary contraction of muscles around the opening of the vagina in women with no abnormalities in the genital organs," vaginismus can make sexual intercourse or any activity involving vaginal penetration (including inserting a tampon) painful or impossible. People who experience it say that it feels as if a wall has appeared in the vagina. When penetration is forced (be it by a GP or when a vaginismus sufferer is trying to "push through' with a partner), it can be incredibly painful.
Primary vaginismus is when a person has never been able to enjoy pain-free vaginal penetration of any kind, and secondary vaginismus is when, like Anna, a person's sex life has been just fine and then this appears as if out of nowhere.
Vaginismus is poorly studied but is believed to occur in 1-6% of women. Sometimes there is no obvious cause, but it can be related to a belief that sex is wrong or shameful, and traumatic early childhood experiences that aren't necessarily sexual in nature. …
Didn't you know? It's 20-bi-teen! What better time to get schooled on the ins and outs of bisexuality. In this ep, a couple from season 2 return to talk about the difference between being bi and pansexual, and what it's like when everyone around them assumes they're straight. Plus queer author and columnist Emily Writes comes out in her 30s and we ask some bi and pan teens if biphobia is something they're familiar with.
There are at least as many bi and pansexual people in the world as lesbians and gay men combined, at least according to surveys of western countries. But bisexuality is poorly understood - leaving bi and pansexual people feeling that their sexuality is invisible or invalid.
In Episode 1 of the new season of BANG!, people who are "attracted to more than one gender" share their experiences, and Dr Nikki Hayfield highlights some particularly damaging, often "biphobic", stereotypes.
To the outside world, Rose and Sam* look like any other straight couple. They're in their mid 20s, affectionate and obviously really into each other. The thing is, they're not straight.
Sam identifies as pansexual and Rose is bisexual. People define each of these sexualities in different ways, but for Sam pansexuality means that he's attracted to people irrespective of gender (as in, it's not important) and for Rose bisexuality means she's attracted to people "across the spectrum of genders."
For those shouting "but bi means two!", some people still use bisexuality to mean they're into just men and women, but others have broadened the definition as a response to the increase in trans identities and in resisting binary understandings of gender.
Both Sam and Rose came out in their early 20s, both had same-sex experiences and attractions in their teens and, initially, both put them down to teenaged "confusion" or "acting out".
As Sam puts it, "Heterosexuality was expected of me and that's why it took quite a while to realise I wasn't that. It's why my parents still don't know ... I wouldn't be disowned or anything, but it would confirm that I'm the sort of black sheep, and that I'm less of a man in some way, and that doesn't feel good."
Rose grew up with an openly lesbian aunt, her family environment was welcoming of queerness. But she thought bisexuality meant 50% attracted to men and 50% attracted to women, and that the label didn't fit her because she's attracted to men more of the time.
That's until she turned 21 and stumbled across a Tumblr post. …
Live from the Bread and Circus Festival in Christchurch, Melody Thomas puts your sex and relationship questions to father-daughter sex advice duo Nic and Lena beets, plus Gemma Syme talks about coming out in her thirties, Tara from Peaches and Cream shares her better work stories and Audrey pops in with one of the best sex toy stories ever told.
Live from the Bread and Circus Festival in Christchurch, Melody Thomas puts your sex and relationship questions to father-daughter sex advice duo Nic and Lena beets, plus Gemma Syme talks about coming out in her thirties, Tara from Peaches and Cream shares her better work stories and Audrey pops in with one of the best sex toy stories ever told.
Hurrah! BANG! returns for Season 3 on Monday March 4th.
A previous episode of BANG! left a few loose ends so Melody Thomas pulls together a panel for a discussion of tricky topics.
This season's episode on masculinity left a few loose ends, so Melody Thomas pulls together a panel for a discussion of tricky topics including the MeToo movement, domestic violence and accountability.
Guests include Bryan Crump from RNZ's Nights programme, Jon Brewerton of the Essentially Men Trust and Eleanor Butterworth, the respect and responsibility manager for NZ Rugby.
In this very special episode of BANG! recorded in front of a live audience at The Basement Theatre, Melody Thomas and guests dispense advice, tell personal stories, recite erotic poems and have a few laughs along the way.
For this very special episode of BANG!, recorded in front of a live audience at The Basement Theatre, Melody Thomas and guests dispense advice, tell personal stories, recite erotic poems and have a few laughs along the way.
On the night, very serious BANG! News host Susie Ferguson delivered breaking news stories she'd never seen until that moment. As hoped, she struggled to keep it together.
We also had an appearance from episode seven's Shelley* - the 29 year old virgin keen to explore her sexuality but not sure how to start. In front of a live audience, she gave us an update.
Read Shelley's story below.
When Shelley was 13 she wrote an essay for a competition, explaining the importance of "virginal purity" and referring to herself as a "chastitute". Like many of her church friends, she planned to have sex with only one person in her life - her future husband.
But when Shelley got to her mid 20s, she was yet to have her first relationship or even her first kiss. She began to rethink her earlier stance on sex.
"The idea of having a relationship that progressed at a pace that felt normal and where there was open communication from both sides - that felt a lot more real and genuine than a relationship where there's certain rules that someone else has put on you," she says.
Shelley did some research, including listening to podcasts like BANG! and The Savage Lovecast. She also took a friend's advice to try masturbating.
"I was like 'I don't know if I'm doing it right?' ... and she said, 'Just trust me, you will know when you get there'... And once it did happened I was like, 'Oh yeah... that's definitely a thing'," she laughs.
Shelley went on a few dates and had her first, awkward kiss - but soon after that began to feel a little stuck. This is when she reached out to talk with me for BANG!
While the idea that there's a magic window of opportunity for losing your virginity is obviously nonsense, most people still have an idea of what they think is 'too young' or 'too old' for first-time sex. Shelley couldn't escape the feeling she'd missed her chance…
We hear three stories from people who have worked through shame or embarrassment towards "really wonderful sunshine" on the other side.
Content warning: In this episode of BANG! we hear the story of a survivor of sexual abuse.
In this episode, three people open up about personal experiences that shame or embarrassment have prevented them from sharing. One of them is Henry*, who approached BANG! to talk about premature ejaculation.
Henry remembers really clearly the first time it happened to him. He was 18 or 19 and in a relationship with a slightly older woman who he cared for and trusted. One day they went for a walk that ended up back at his house, where they decided to have sex. He put on a condom, she climbed on top of him, but almost before they began, it was over.
"It was... like holding a water balloon in my hands, and I really wanted to have fun with it and it just slipped out of my fingers and smashed all over and some of it got on my pants," he laughs.
Between two and five percent of men report experiencing premature ejaculation (PE), though the term isn't well defined. Generally it refers to an 'intervaginal ejaculatory latency time' - that's the period from penetration to ejaculation - lasting less than two minutes. But some men who ejaculate quickly don't see it as an issue and some who take longer than two minutes still think it happens too fast. In one Australian survey nearly a quarter of men said they believed they "came to orgasm too quickly."
Because it's not widely discussed, those who experience PE can feel a lot of shame.
"Embarrassment almost isn't the right word for it it touched at a deeper place about self worth," Henry says. "It's more a crushing, 'I'm a terrible person and why would anyone wanna be with me?' kinda feeling."
Edit Horvath is an Auckland-based therapist specialising in sex therapy and relationship counselling. She sees a number of men about PE and erectile issues, and says an increasing number of her clients are younger men.
When it comes to treatment, Edit first looks into any potential biological issues that may be contributing, and teaches exercises which can help extend the time before a person ejaculates.
But she also spends a lot of time looking into her clients perception of the issue. After all, there is no universally accepted view of a 'right' length of time for sex, and sometimes the real problem is inflexibility in the way we view sex and physical intimacy…
Scholars and activists Ngahuia Te Awekotuku and Elizabeth Kerekere speak with Melody Thomas about what sex, sexuality and gender looked like in Te Ao Maori prior to colonisation, plus Rosanna Raymond shares a Pacific perspective, and we meet non-binary Auckland teenager Kahi.
Despite spending more than a year learning about sex, sexuality and relationships in Aotearoa - until recently, I knew very little about pre-colonial Māori perspectives on these things. I'd have more easily defined the indigenous North American term "two-spirit" than our own takatāpui.
For this episode of BANG! I spoke with scholars and activists Emeritus Professor Ngahuia Te Awekotuku and Dr Elizabeth Kerekere about why old stories illustrating diverse sexualities and gender expressions in Te Ao Māori aren't better known by all.
For most of the 20th century, the question of pre-colonial Māori attitudes towards homosexuality and other non-binary genders and sexualities had only one answer.
A typical comment came from the 1970s vocal psychiatrist L. Gluckman, as quoted in Sexuallity & the Stories of Indigenous People:
"Homosexuality in both male and female was unknown in early New Zealand. Sexual perversion in the modern Māori is culturally determined by current social, economic and environmental pressures."
This was mainstream view - Māori were free of "perversions" until they were introduced by Europeans.
But in the 1970s there was a challenge to that mainstream view.
In that decade, Ngahuia Awekotuku was one of two people to stumble upon the word "takatāpui" - an ancient term defined as "an intimate companion of the same sex" which had fallen into a long period of disuse.
Takatāpui was reclaimed by Māori in lesbian, gay and trans communities in the 80s. In recent years its' definition has expanded to encompass all tāngata whenua with diverse gender identities, sexualities, and sex characteristics - similar to the way the word 'queer' is used now.
But for Te Awekotuku the word has greater significance: the fact that it predates European arrival in Aotearoa is a clue.
"In the world that existed before Tasman, Cook and the arrival of outsiders, I believe there was a really robust and vigorous and intense exploration of sexualities, and an acceptance of them," she says.
Te Awekotuku believes the arrival of European settlers and later missionaries, meant behaviours which had been entirely acceptable were suddenly cast in a deviant light.
"Whatever Christianity may have brought to the Māori world which was good and wholesome and proper and acceptable, it also brought a great deal of pain and a lot of judgement," she says…
How do lesbians have sex? What's it like to be asexual? Or polyamorous? And how can a disability affect your sex life? Melody Thomas seeks answers from the people who know best.
In this episode Melody Thomas seeks the answers to a few "Frequently Asked Questions" - some that have been emailed or text in by you, and others that get asked a little too much.
One thing listeners have been curious about is asexuality - which BANG! listener Rosie volunteered to come in and talk about.
Ever since she was a young girl, Rosie had a feeling she was different to the kids around her. Where they were getting crushes and playing kiss tag, or later when people started to couple up in high school, she just didn't see the appeal.
"I would always miss the point of some things that were going on. There was always this little bit of obliviousness - there'd be some kind of in joke or somebody would've been flirting with someone and it'd completely pass me by."
At first Rosie assumed that those feelings would come later on. When they didn't, she began to wonder what was wrong with her. But growing up in a rural town before the internet got big, there wasn't a whole lot of information around about asexuality.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation just like hetero-, homo- and bisexuality. The simplest way to define an "ace" (the umbrella nickname for asexuals) is someone who "does not experience sexual attraction." It's estimated that about 1% of the population identify as asexual.
But many people, Rosie included, don't fit within the 'simple' definition of asexuality. So even when Rosie did finally learn about aces, the identity didn't seem to 'fit'.
"For me it's a lack of interest in anything physical, but the fantasy or conceptual element is there," she says.
Then two years ago, Rosie stumbled upon an article about "autochorrisexuality" - a subgroup of asexuality (also known as aegosexuality) where aces experience arousal and fantasies, but have no desire to take part in them.
Autochorrisexuals can:
Get aroused by sexual content but not actually want to engage in any sexual activity.
Masturbate but are neutral or repulsed by the idea of actual sex with another person.
Fantasise about sex but envision people other than themselves, or viewing it from a distance.
Predominantly or entirely fantasise about fictional characters or celebrities…
'Toxic masculinity' is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot these days but a lot of guys seem not to like it... Maybe it's the 'toxic' part? In this episode of BANG! Melody Thomas takes a trip to a Coromandel pub to hear about 'Man Cards', gets some great metaphors from comedian and teen mentor James Nokise and trades weather burns and communication tips with psychologist Zac Seidler.
Warning: This episode includes explicit language, discussion of rape, suicide and mental health.
'Toxic masculinity' is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot these days but a lot of guys seem not to like it... Maybe it's the 'toxic' part?
People like Fox News host Tucker Carlson and Canadian psychology professor and "culture warrior" Jordan B Peterson believe masculinity is under attack. They (and many others) argue that efforts to deconstruct gender norms - you know, encouraging boys to play with dolls and girls to pick up trucks - are hurting men.
Modern men are lost, because they don't know how to be "men" anymore.
What is going on? Are men being exposed for the villains they have always been or are they being cast in that role before they even get the chance to show us otherwise?
What is masculinity? Is it changing? If it is, what new shape is it taking? And why is that so scary for people?
On the internet, we're shouting across a void, that's getting bigger and bigger, so the chances of hearing each other get less and less.
How do we fix this?
In this episode of Bang! Melody Thomas takes a trip to a Coromandel pub to hear about 'Man Cards', gets some great metaphors from comedian and teen mentor James Nokise, and trades weather burns with Australian psychologist Zac Seidler.
Along the way she (hopefully) gets some answers.
Here is a list of resources for those seeking help:
Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357
Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO (24/7). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 (24/7)
Samaritans: 0800 726 666 (24/7)
Youthline: 0800 376 633 (24/7) or free text 234 (8am-12am), or email talk@youthline.co.nz
What's Up: online chat (7pm-10pm) or 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787 children's helpline (1pm-10pm weekdays, 3pm-10pm weekends)
Kidsline (ages 5-18): 0800 543 754 (24/7)
Rural Support Trust Helpline: 0800 787 254
Healthline: 0800 611 116
Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
In this episode, Melody speaks with a couple of people in heterosexual relationships whose attractions are nevertheless far from straightforward.
"Alex" is straight but sometimes sleeps with men, Linda Jane and Eddie look like a straight couple but one of them identifies as queer, plus sex therapist Nic Beets and his daughter Lena helps us make sense of it all.
If you're about my age - that's 33 - and you had parents who acknowledged the existence of sexualities other than straight, you probably grew up thinking there were three sexual orientations - homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual.
But more and more we're hearing sexuality described as "fluid". What does that mean? Can a person identify as 70% straight, or mostly gay? Can you start off life straight and then identify as gay or bi at different points throughout?
Or is the whole notion that sexuality can fit inside one tidy box or another completely outdated?
Clinical psychologist and sex therapist Nic Beets thinks it is, and welcomes the move away from allocating our sexualities to discreet boxes.
"It's really easy to judge other people when you don't know their experience so I would always caution against that... People are doing things sexually for all sorts of reasons and in all sorts of ways," he says.
People like Alex (not his real name), a Generation Xer and kiwi 'bloke' who identifies as straight, but whose personal history is far more complicated. He got in touch with me to share his 30-year experience of sleeping with other men.
Alex is only ever attracted to, and is only interested in establishing emotional relationships with women, but every now and then he gets the "urge" to have no strings attached, "base-level, animalistic sex" with other men.
And he does, by using a network of websites and known public places that put him "within a vicinity of other men with similar interests", and which he says many other men in straight relationships use too.
"There'll be people that you work with that'll just slip away at a lunch time, literally go and have sex, be back after lunch and the people around them will be none the wiser." he says.
Nic Beets says the phenomenon of ostensibly straight men sleeping with other men is well known by sexuality experts and academics, and that the practice is, "as old as humanity".
"In my understanding, straight men are doing this for sexual gratification because it's straightforward and easy and they don't have to pay for it. It's very much about "getting off"... other men will give you the kind of sex you want." …
In this episode, three people in their 30s and 40s talk about dating.
In the second episode of season two, Melody speaks with three people in their 30s and 40s about dating - including BANG! illustrator Pinky Fang, who faces a unique set of challenges when it comes to meeting someone new.
Pinky talks about blind dating, Ollie gives speed dating a go, Christie talk about dating while also trying to get pregnant, and Guardian columnist Jean Hannah Edelstein offers advice for dating in the wake of the Me Too movement.
Pinky is charming and funny, with killer style and a really beautiful dog.
If you met her for the first time, as I did, face to face in a well-lit room, you might never know she's also legally blind.
Pinky has a rare genetic disorder called retinitis pigmentosa - which causes a breakdown and loss of cells in the retina.
The degeneration is in the periphery of her eyes - "so basically I've got tunnel vision and it's getting more "tunnelly" ... the hole is getting smaller," she explains.
Another side effect of this type of blindness is that Pinky's eyes don't adjust to the dark, and at night she's completely blind.
At 31 years old, the last time Pinky was in the dating game, she says 'dating' wasn't really part of it.
"Growing up in New Zealand and in a small town, there wasn't so much dating as there was going to a party and getting drunk and hooking up with some guy. Dating has never really been a thing 'til semi-recently."
These days if you're 'dating' you're likely on Tinder, Bumble, Grindr or any one of the growing number of apps built specifically to bring people together.
But these apps can be a minefield of unsolicited dick pics and various iterations of the greeting "how u?"
Not to mention the hours of 'admin' that goes into messaging back and forth until someone bites the bullet and suggests a date - but for Pinky the process is especially fraught.
Before she even swipes on a person's photo, Pinky is looking at their picture trying to figure out if they might have stuff in common ("There's so many outdoorsy guys on there... I can't climb a f***ing mountain, I can't see!!"), if they'll be OK with her guide dog ("dog allergies are a deal breaker") and how they might respond when she eventually tells them about that part of herself.
"I feel like I'm looking at this person like 'Would they be weird about blindness?'... Like, how can you know? You can't."
When it comes to dating with a disability, issues around 'disclosure' can cause a lot of stress…
Melody Thomas is joined by Alex Casey, Leonie Hayden and Michele A'Court from The Spinoff's On The Rag podcast for a boisterous chat about their "sexual awakenings".
This episode contains frank discussion, the sexualisation of cartoon characters and a couple of swears.
In this bonus episode, she's joined by Alex Casey, Leonie Hayden and Michele A'Court from The Spinoff podcast On The Rag.
