This podcast is best enjoyed with a cup of tea and today's tea is constant comment also known as orange spiced black tea Body check, intrusive thoughts, and my friend the mirror If you lift up my shirt you’ll find a gut, A month ago it was ribs I zone out as the food enters my mouth but I’m okay, I’m healthy now My friend the mirror has never talked back The scale just says a number I liked it better when food was what I lacked I still count all my calories I track everything I do, eat and say my appetite is gone I force myself to eat anyway I still feel I’m not enough I still do body checks It’s not as simple as waking up My body I sometimes still see as a fat wreck I’m still recovering Sometimes I can’t handle it The food on the plate is overwhelming Sometimes I just wanna lay down or sit On the bed and not eat a single thing It’s not easy, but no one said it would be It’s not fun but it is attainable My goal is to walk by the mirror and not see All my imperfections, i just want to see me Sometimes the smell of food makes me nauseated Sometimes I wish like an animal I was sedated asleep that would be better than leaning over the toilet bowl Knowing nothing will come out ‘What’s your goal’ They’d ask, ‘to be thin?’ I wanted to disappear and be forgotten The thoughts cloud my mind some nights I can’t do anything but hear them I think of how it’s always gonna be a fight Things like food constantly difficult Suck it up they say it’s harder to be sober to get off a alcohol or drugs But what has the highest death rate? An eating disorder Some days I love my body Some days I don’t Some days I eat all I need Some days I can’t fight the voice that says skinny people won’t Some days I get out of bed and go for a walk Some days I don’t even have the urge to talk Maybe I’m a shell of who I was Living in ana’s buzz I try again if I fail today Part 2 poetry on your left thigh, silly things you cant deny, youre through with trying not to cry, Poems on your right thigh wanting to forget the lies, today you felt as worthless as a fly Short stories on your right arm wanting to forget self harm, this odd old alarm, Essays on your left arm they only see your charm See your body growing like a farm little notes on your chest, maybe tonight youll finally get some rest, Your words come out as a shaky gumbled mess, as you try to not feel less, it's okay you're doing your best compliment on your feet that remind you to eat, talking of daily goals you can meet, that depression, anxiety, anorexia, and social disorders can be beat, funny jokes on our fingers, to avoid the memories that linger, they disapate their hateful stingers, messages on your back to stop yourself from a panic attack, focus on what you have not what you lack, quotes on your shoulders, to guide you as you get older, even when the days get colder, letters on your neck, some days youll be a wreck, but its okay to fall from the card deck Sentance on your tummy Don't hide your laughter when you hear something funny never give up trust your gut one line more than a few times trying to read signs understand sweet rhymes to bring an end to the marks that are not only mine We are one of a kind Today I'll be reading my favorite poem love after love The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life. Thank you for listening and if you would like to support this podcast or buy me a cup of tea You can at ko-fi.com/unwrittennat