In part 1/2, I share my personal experience with the father wound, growing up inside a dysfunctional + narcissistic family system, where I took on the assigned role of family scapegoat & invisible child. I take the listeners on a journey of the actual formative experiences that shaped my model of the world and implanted unconscious belief systems and core wounds of "not being enough" & "being worthless" leading to self-abandonment behaviours throughout life.

In part 2/2, I share the formative events that took place from ages 12-16 that ultimately led to a core wound of 'betrayal/abandonment" imprinting the father wound and how things escalated to the point of police removing me from my childhood home and placing me with a foster family until I got my first apartment at 17 years old. I share details of the physical, psychological and emotional abuse, extreme medical neglect as well as the sexual shaming and humiliation tactics.

By the end of the 2 part series, you will understand what family scapegoat abuse is (FSA), how it binds the dysfunctional family system through shame and unprocessed generational trauma, how we can overcome it and end the cycles of abuse from being passed down to our own children.

Part of my ability to find forgiveness and come full circle with events, is understanding how and why they took place, seeing things from higher spiritual perspective and then finding the courage to give voice to my inner child and teenager's experience, knowing I no longer have to carry the family burden by keeping it a secret.

My intention is you find solace in this episode and that through hearing my story, you better understand and heal parts of your formative experiences growing up. My hope is you find the courage to transcend patterns and gift yourself a new life full of love, peace, joy and happiness, knowing you deserve it and always have.

Resources for Family Scapegoat Abuse (FSA) can be found at my site (at the bottom of this blog)

Chapters

(0:00:00) Intro

(0:00:32) Family Scapegoat Abuse & growing up inside a dysfunctional narcissistic family system

(0:07:30) How childhood abuse perpetuates into adulthood patterns and vices to numb (my alcoholism)

(0:11:00) How the unprocessed generational trauma gets passed down through shame

(0:15:15) How the abuse & shaming started from father towards me

(0:19:45) My incarnation was to bring light/healing/awakening to this family lineage

(0:20:45) Parental absence and shaming (what was happening in elementary)

(25:40:00) My 1st core belief (my needs don't matter as much as others, I am not as worthy)

(0:30:00) Parentification (child becomes the responsible adult) and neglect

(0:35:00) The first broken bone

(0:36:15) My 2nd core belief of "I'm not enough" (from body size shaming leading to anorexia)

(039:10) Police dog attack

(0:41:00) c-PTSD develops and I managed with self starvation/anorexia and OCD to control

(0:42:00) Blowdryer violence

(0:43:00) Feeling like no one would believe me

(0:44:11) First panic attack

(0:46:37) Lost 18 lbs from anorexia (but public perception of family's image more important)

(0:50:00) Shaming with rotten food spread on pillow

(0:50:49) Becoming self-propelled with school

(0:52:10) Only enough money for 1 child communicated to

(0:53:50) Blacking out and drowning due to food deprivation

(0:55:15) Second broken bone (with a moldy/putrid cast I walked on in the snow to get to school)

(0:56:45) Childhood celebrations cut off by 9 yrs old (no more birthdays, Easter egg hunts, etc.)

(0:58:22) Feeling humilated in front of other children

(1:00:00) S3xualization in elementary at 7 years old

(1:02:00) Obsessive exercise over lunchtime in elementary

(1:04:00) When I experienced parental alienation (manipulation through father)

(1:05:55) Non-physical s3xual abuse during time with father

(1:07:28) Humiliation at gymnastics club and spidy sense about an unsafe coach

(1:09:30) Squeezing my thighs together to hide their width from my father's critical eye