PART TWO: Adoption: Where Grief and Gratitude Co-Exist. An Interview with Caitlin Sheveland
Welcome back to our next interview in our series of Adoption: Where Grief and Gratitude can Co-Exist. In this interview with Caitlin Sheveland, we hear the story of what propelled her and her family into the world of foster care and adoption, ultimately bringing Caitlin into a soul purpose, a life purpose of serving children and their families in a formal social services role. She is a spit-fire and she makes things happen and it really totally changed her life and transformed her life and all those she served. She is the epitome of advocacy for ensuring a child's welfare always comes first through a safe and nurturing home environment whether that be with their birth family, a foster family, or a forever home as a chosen child for a family and she knows all about this intimately in her own lived experience and also her work in the social services. Please enjoy the show and if it appeals to you hit the like or the subscribe button, that's helpful for us to know what really is impacting for our listeners out there, and feel free to leave a comment. We are interested in hearing your comments and questions regarding this series. Thank you so much and I hope you really enjoy this interview with Caitlin Sheveland.
PLEASE JOIN US ON SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 5 AT 8:00 PM US ET FOR OUR LIVE PANEL DISCUSSION WITH THE INTERVIEWEES ON ZOOM. A GREAT PLACE TO DISCUSS ALL THINGS ADOPTION! LINK TO SIGN UP: https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZUodOyrrTIiGdZsTVPWCouBCdsDPQO5w4t3 I hope you enjoy the episode and if you do, please hit the like and subscribe button so you can help us continue to do what we do over here in the Healing Family Grief community.
Shownotes:
Hi there, everybody. I am so excited because here is another one of our great interviews in regards to adoption. We have the International Adoption Day that's coming up in November. And as I said in my little preview to everybody, I am interviewing family members because we've had a lot of family members who have been involved in adoption. And today I am talking with Caitlin. Caitlin is my daughter-in-law who I just adore and love so deeply. She and I really have that hard space for children. We're going to talk a little bit about the story of what really got Caitlin and her family really involved. Our son, Tom, really involved in not only foster care but the adoption who is our granddaughter now. And so that's where we're going to start. So welcome, Caitlin.
Thank you.
So glad to have you.
This is so exciting.
So exciting. So why don't you maybe just start out sharing what happened several years ago that really brought you into foster care and bringing Rosie into our family?
Yeah. So I started before we even knew about Rosie. I had a really terrible birth with our last daughter, Oliver, and knew that I wanted more kids, but that I didn't want to birth them myself. So I had been processing like, what does that look like? I had never really known anyone that or anything, so it wasn't really in my scope of mind. I just knew that I wanted more kids. And so that started my heart's pathway of what's other alternatives to having children. And then one day, several months later, we were washing the dishes. I remember it vividly. And we had heard from Pat that there was a family member that had had a baby in a different state. And that night, we had gotten a call from Oregon, D. C. F. And they had said my husband, Tom's cousin, had had a baby, and they were looking for family members that wanted to be involved and what their involvement would look like. And I remember me and Tom automatically wasn't even a question. Well, if she needs a place to stay, she's family, so she can come here. And that was where they were at in the point of the case, anyways, was looking for someone to adopt this baby.
And so I know that it was a lot of conversations in the family of what does that look like, because taking someone else's child as your own and then doing that so that she can remain in the family and so that grandpa can still be grandpa, and she can still grow up with all her relatives and just looks a little different. And so we began a long process of really fighting for her and her best interest and keeping her in the family. I want to say it took us five months of me calling every day bothering all the workers to just advocate for her best, which eventually in June, we got the call that she was ready to be picked up and that it was going to take about a week for them to figure out which worker was going to fly her to us. So then we responded, Well, can we just go out there and get her? And they said, yes. And so I spent 24 hours, flew all the way to Oregon, grabbed her in a parking lot, flew all the way back. And we have a video of the moment that she came from the airport and met Tom and the girls.
And I really cherish that because it was meant to be. And the girls just loved her already, and she was so sweet and a sweet addition to our family. And so that started a journey for me because it was so fulfilling to be able to be that role to a child that needed a safe place to stay. And then also just the advocating for her. I learned so much in those five months of the system and how much children people advocating for their best, otherwise they get lost. And so it really sparked this passion in my heart to help other children. And so I started by changing my career. I used to be a hairdresser, and my passion shifted. And I started working with families that were working with DCYF and trying to reunify children to their parents and doing a lot of in-home therapy with them. And then I just kept going down the line. And I eventually wanted to make the rules because I saw how many families were just not being treated fairly and how many children there really were. And so I now work for the state, and I am in child services investigating childhood, abuse, and neglect.
So it's just saying that one yes, as nervous and as scared as we were of what that was going to look like, changed our whole lives and my whole career. And I now love what I do. I get to go into families and find out what are some safety concerns, what are some things that we need to work on, and how can we provide support to keep the kids home. And then obviously, if it's not safe, advocating for what is best for these children. And we still do foster care. We are on our sixth long term foster care child. So that has been really rewarding. Our first foster daughter, we were able to help reunify with her father, which was really nice. We got to invite him over for dinner, helped him interview for his first job. And then once they unified, it was able to buy some things for her room and set her room up. And we're still in contact with her dad today. So it's been a life changing event going from not really knowing anything about foster care or adoption or how that even looks. How can you love someone else's child as your own?
All those fears to now our daughter is going to be turning six. She's thriving. She's in kindergarten. It's like she was meant to be part of our family. And I like to say because we talk openly with our kids about adoption and that Rosie is adopted. But we like to say that the other kids grew in my belly, but Rosie grew in my heart because before we even knew about her, I was already in that sense of knowing that there is a child out there for me that I wasn't going to birth.
Well, and I can attest to the fact, having watched Kate, you were just a Bulldog. It was just like, this girl is our daughter. We're going to make sure that we get her. And you were just passionate and on the phone and pushing, pushing, pushing and advocating for her, knowing that jumping around because she had a few different foster homes and she was literally taken at birth. So the relinquishment, she was brand new baby and you knew that she needed to have that stability.
I remember even fighting with them when they were she's ready to go, paperwork's filed, but it's going to take us a couple of weeks. And I just remember my mom being absolutely not if she's ready to be ours, we'll buy the ticket and go fly out there. I don't care. But yeah, I think the whole process took, they say it's supposed to take about two years for the process of going inter-state. And I was not having that. I was not having my daughter somewhere else. When I knew in my heart was mine. And so like I said, we called every day to remind them, hey, what's the status today? Keep them pushing. And I think they really did it in five months because they were annoyed with me. But I needed to do.
That's all right. Annoying is good. Doing is good, but it's making a difference to the lives of little ones and all of that. So one of the things that I like to just think about here, what are the gifts? What are the gifts for you as the mother and Tom as the father and as a family for choosing being able to choose Rosie? I mean, she chose, I believe that God works in these beautiful ways, but really, she is the chosen one. And what are some of the gifts for your family that you have seen over these past two years?
I think the most important gift is just teaching my children that you can love people without roles. So I didn't birth Rosie, but we love her the same as our birth children, and our children love her the same as their blood siblings, and that there's not necessarily a label to love, and that there's this beautiful story of adopting people in, whether that's through the pure adoption process or even just allowing people in your life that need you, doing foster care. We have kiddos come, stay for a while, and then leave. And it's this beautiful process of teaching our kids about really just loving other people. And Rosie has been such a gift to us because she really just changed her whole life from your just American selfish way of having the kids, having the job, being successful. I wanted to own my own salon. And just everything changed once we started walking through this process because it was like, I don't really want those things anymore. I just want to advocate for what's best for children. And just really just changed our whole perspective on life.
Well, and you found your soul's purpose.
Right.
Truly. And Tom, Caitlin's husband, our son, is a law enforcement officer and always an advocate for the children in so many ways and in so many different roles that he's had within the departments that he has worked in. And so together, the synergy and the beauty and the relationship that you have in the home that you have created is just such a beautiful gift to Rosie too. But there's been some challenges. So what are some of the challenges to the adoption?
I think one of the major ones that stands out as far as the beginning process is just the fear of going to feel like she's mine. And is she going to love me like I'm her mother? Or is she going to hold it against me? Or just all those fears of anything, really. And I think that for us, we just had to push the fear aside and just state this was meant to be, and it'll work out how it works out. And really, all those fears that started creeping in the beginning, not even a chance that any of those are truthful. And so I think another one of the challenges is, especially, inner-family adoption. I think in the beginning, there's some challenges of roles or just not hurt feelings, but I think there's just like, it's unfortunate that the world is broken and that sometimes adoption needs to happen. And I think you grieve that process. I remember grieving for her biological mom of like, it's not lost on me that she's now mine and not yours. And in the challenges that mom has to face because of that, I think for me, that's the heaviest grief of just knowing that it's not lost on me that she's now grieving on something that we're excited about, that we love.
I think if I would say, I would say that is probably the biggest grief in adoption is just understanding that while adoption is just pure love and pure greatness, it's also grief for someone. And for many people, for Rosie, I'm sure someday she's going to ask about her birth mother, and there'll be some grief for her, even, too, why it couldn't work out the way that it should have. I think that's probably the biggest challenge. Yeah.
And I'm always very open when I'm talking to people and doing these interviews. We did. We went through some family drama. And you grieve that too, because the intentionality behind reaching out and wanting to adopt was pure love and wanting to really make a difference in this child's life. And we believe that all children have a right to flourish and thrive. And sometimes that just isn't a possibility. But extended family members may not see that and egos get in the way and different things like that. And we really had to work through a lot of that as a family union and individually with the various players in the family. But today it feels like everybody is like rock-solid on board and feels really good. And they love seeing the family together and seeing Rosie flourish. And I've just heard so many great things from the extended family. And Ken and I could not be more thrilled to have this beautiful granddaughter in our life knowing that there was nothing that we could probably do but having you guys step up just made a world of difference.
And I think it's been also restorative to some parts of the family. Rosie's biological grandmother sent her the beautiful cultural Indian necklaces and jewelry for her to have when she's older. And having video chats with her half brother and her grandfather. I think it also is a story of just some family redemption almost.
Healing the ancestral wounding. I think there's that. It's not anybody's fault that that goes on, but to be able to change the pattern and all of that epigenetics, so to speak, so that it can move forward. If you could take a look at your story, is there anything that you wished could have been different?
I wish I could have had it right away. I wish I could have... I'm close with her longest foster home that she had. And every once in a while, I will find a video of Rosie as a newborn and send it to me. And I think my heart grieves that I didn't get those first seven months because she is now my child. And so you talk about stories about rocking your kids to sleep and, oh, you were the fussy. So I had to do this. And I don't have any of those stories for her until she was seven months old. So I don't know what she was like as a newborn. And then your mama heart is like, was she ever scared? So I think that, yeah, for me, that is the biggest grievance and hardship, I think, is that I won't ever have those months back. Right.
Now, working in what you work, I want to really dive into that a little bit and where you are working. We all, I think, believe that reunification, being with the family, being with the biological parents when it's healthy and safe is by far because we know through epigenetics and the bonding in utero between child and mother, especially, is such an important aspect. And when relinquishment happens and children are in orphanages and things like that or foster care and don't have that bonding, we know it can cause difficulties. But there are times, right? Well, I guess I want to say in your experience now over these years, what percentage would you say you really are successful in the reunification? If you could look at all of your caseload and your departments.
Honestly, I would say 50-50. You have the parents that really want to put the work in and can and are able to overcome their challenges. Our job, DCYF gets a bad rap, but I am very passionate about my job. And I like to see it as I get in there, identify some of the hardships, the challenges that the parents have to being the best parent they can be. And then it's how can I help? What can we put in place? How can we make the children reunify? Because really, I just want a whole healthy family for you. And so there's half of the parents that are, yes, I want well, all of them are like, yes, I want my kid back, obviously, as a parent of a child. But there's some I would say half of them that are like, okay, let's do this. Ii will partner with you. I'll do what you say. Let's do this. I want to get my kid back. And then there's half that just buck you the whole way and are not able to really come to terms with what their challenges are and are not able to self reflect enough to know what needs to change in order to be the best parent they can be.
And it really just comes down to the parent and what if they're able to self reflect and able to take the help from you. And it's very it's sad when they can't reunify. Adoption is happy and we're excited for the foster parents that adopt and the kiddos that get to stay. Usually they've been in this home for a while and it's stability for them because we do the twelve month thing because children deserve stability. So people often ask, well, why can't it be a five year process? Because these kids, they need stability. And they really do understand that they're not stable until the 12 month mark. And so, yeah, I would say 50-50. And sometimes you get surprised. Our last foster daughter, up until month 10, looked like she was going to need to be adopted out, which we were so grieving for her because she had spent so much time with her mom. She was a teenager. And then mom really just had a moment of self-reflection and did what she needed to do and reunified with all of her kids. They now live with her and they're doing great. And so it really is just whether the parent can self-reflect and taking the services that we provide.
And once you see a click in their head, it's so fun to watch. We rejoice more over the underdog that just reunified with her kids because we know that that was really, really hard for her and she was able to do the work.
And how long do them stay when the reunification occurs?
So we say 12 months. But if a parent is doing what they need to do, they can reunify sooner, we're involved legally for 12 months. But then again, we're also involved after they reunify for a couple of months just to ensure there's all the supports in place that we're not going to be here again like that you guys are set up. So we do stay and supervise the family, really, from a distance just to make sure everything's going well and there's nothing else that we could help with the family.
Oh, that's so beautiful. So beautiful. Well, I took away one quote that I'll be using a lot is there's not a label for love. There's not a label for love. And we know that in our family. You know that through your work. It doesn't matter the genetics of it. Yes, you want to try to keep them in their culture. And I've had some conversations with my cousin like, what are some of the things if you can't keep them in their cultural aspects? There's just so many issues that can arise from that, which you're able to give to Rosie because we were able to keep her in the birth family. But a lot of times that doesn't occur. And we know, I know that having a blended family, dad and I have a blended family. All my children are all my children. There is no definition of love. It's just there. And everybody gets treated equally, whether you're... I don't even like to call in-laws, right? Mama Pat treats everybody the same because all of you are the same in my heart. So I guess if you could leave us with two things. One is if you had one thing to tell the audience, if they are the people perhaps looking at foster care or if they're the teenager or the adult person who was adopted into a family, what's one thing that you would like to share with them?
And also if we know someone might be struggling in their parenting role, how should we handle that to be supportive?
Yeah. So first I would say to people who are considering doing foster care, do it. It's so rewarding. I'm not going to lie, there are days that are tough because you're dealing with kids who are not with mom and dad. We have a two year old right now and we talk to his mom every night over video chat. And sometimes he's upset afterwards, which is understandable. And so, yeah, sometimes my night is consoleing a two year old, which is a lot, but it's worth it because when you watch these kids reunify or when you watch them find their forever, you're not going to say, Oh, that wasn't worth it. It always is worth the work. And so, again, to the kids who are older that are processing being adopted, that's something that we're very quickly probably going to come up on with, Rosie. Process your feelings. It's okay to process your feelings, but know that you are chosen by whomever adopted you. There was an actual choice made that I want you as part of my family. I think that that is also very empowering. You can grieve the part that you're not with your bio parents, but just holding on to the empowering thought that someone chose you specifically to be part of their family and to be loved.
I think that that is beautiful. Again, I think that what this whole process has really taught us is that love is love, and this world needs more of it. And as you go through life, God might put people in your path that need to be under your roof and need to be just loved on and have your role be a parent figure for them however long that has to be. And you just need to be willing to open your heart to people outside of your labeled daughter or son and just be able to just love people that need to be loved. And that's what we have done as a family. And so we've done foster care. We've adopted. We currently have a college girl living in our house because she needed a family to stay with. So I think we've just adopted now this identity that we just love people that need to be loved that get put in our path. And so as far as watching family struggle, I think a lot of times there are times that definitely an agency needs to step in and ensure kids are safe. But I think before it even gets to that point is just being someone who watches other… It's someone who cares for others to a point of like, hey, I am realizing that this person I might be close with in my community or my kids community seems to be struggling, how can I help so that it doesn't get to the point where DCYF is now needing to be involved?
What can I do if this person seems to be struggling? How can I help this family? Because oftentimes there is a path, and then it gets to the DCYF point. And so if we can nip it in the bud here, if we can have more people in life that are just have their eyes open to how they can help others, I think a lot of our families wouldn't get to the point where they need to work with DCYF. I think that just as a community, if you just adopt your community as your family and just keeping your eyes open, if God puts a family in your in your path and you're seeing what they're struggling, that's probably your invitation to help out. I think that that more so is something to be had because I think for me and in the investigative part, a lot of the families that come in, I'm not fighting neglect on them. They're just struggling. And so my job is helping put people in place to help them out. But if that could be done organically that they didn't even need to get to me yet, I think that we'd see a lot less families that need to be involved with the government.
I love that. And my B.R.E.A.T.H.E coaching model for grief that I created for people who are grieving and grief has so many different aspects. It's not just the death of a loved one, the physical death, but all of this that we've talked about is one of the points that I have, one of the steps is engaging your tribe. And of course, I use tribe because we come from an indigenous culture that we're married into. But I think that's so important because rather than judging or seeing what's going on in someone's family and making a judgment about that, how can you really step in and offer that support? Because like you said, it's not neglect. It just may be that overwhelm. Could you be a part of that person's tribe, a part of that family's tribe to step in and help out a little bit and make that difference so that that family can stay solid, safe and flourish? Because that's what it's all about. And so are there any resources just top of mind where people could go if I wanted to learn a little bit more about how to help someone that I might see is struggling?
Yeah. So every community has in every state really is a little bit different. But if you want to know what your town has for resources, you can go to the welfare office and just ask like, hey, what are the resources? Because they'll know housing resources. If a family becomes homeless and you want to help them find housing, they'll know those resources. They'll know food pantry resources. They'll know just almost like I would suggest researching that for your town where you live ahead of time so that once you come across the family like, hey, they seem to be struggling financially. Well, here, let me walk you through what the welfare office could do for you because I'm already knowledgeable about what is appropriate. Because sometimes, especially moments like that, they're in crisis. They're not thinking correctly of what they could do. So that's a perfect example of stepping in and saying, hey, I'm thinking correctly. Let me help you process through this and process work and what not. So every state, every town is different. So I would just say formalize yourself with what resources are around you.
Takes a village. Well, thank you so much. I love you to be on forever. I always want to say I'm so proud of you and Tom, but I'm proud to be your parent and to be a part of your life.
We're soul sisters.
Yes, we are. Okay, so there I go. I get a little emotional with that. So thank you, everybody, for listening and keep an eye out because we will be doing our panel discussion in the future. And great stuff, Caitlin. So just hang on and I'll talk to you in just a minute.
Contact us:
Cami Thelander: www.bearfootyogi.com
The Confident Grief Coach School: www.healingfamilygrief.com