The time has finally arrived to traverse the JCVD universe, and we’re starting it off with legendary mullets, exploding hockey rinks, time-traveling splits, and asking the most important question we've ever faced: Can JCVD really crack a walnut with his ass? (Spoiler: He said he could, and we believe him.)
🔥THE SPLITS FROM HELL🔥
•Sudden Death: Die Hard, But with Hockey – The forgotten JCVD action classic where terrorists take over Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Van Damme fights a murderous hockey mascot, and somehow nobody in the crowd notices anything.
•Timecop’s Mag-Lite Guns & Space-Time Absurdity – Jean-Claude Van Damme is a time-traveling cop who fights future crime while doing splits. Also, the futuristic weapons are just handguns duct-taped to giant flashlights.
•HARD TARGET: JCVD’s Louisiana Murder Vacation – Jean-Claude Van Damme plays Cajun Batman with an unlimited supply of roundhouse kicks and rattlesnake knock-out power.
🎬 OTHER UNHINGED DISCUSSIONS INCLUDE:
•JCVD’s Walnut-Cracking Glutes – Did you know Jean-Claude Van Damme once claimed he could crack a walnut with his ass? Well, now you do. And we refuse to stop thinking about it.
•Why Timecop Is Somehow More Scientifically Accurate Than Fast & Furious
•Hockey Security Is a Myth, Prove Us Wrong
•The Science of Time Travel & Splits—What They Don’t Teach You in School
•Can John Woo legally direct a film without slow-motion doves?
SPECIAL SHOUTOUTS TO:
🎭 Jean-Claude Van Damme (Firefighter, Time Traveler, Walnut Assassin).
🎭 Lance Henriksen (Hard Target’s Sweatiest Man Alive™).
🎬 Hard Target directed by John Woo, who personally kept the dove industry alive in the 90s.
🎬 Sudden Death directed by Peter Hyams, who probably had NHL season tickets.
🎬 Timecop also directed by Peter Hyams, proving one man can handle TWO JCVD time-travel splits.
FINAL VERDICT:
By the end of this episode, you will:
✅ Fear Lance Henriksen’s forehead veins.
✅ Demand a Sudden Death 2 where JCVD fights a rogue Zamboni.
✅ Attempt the JCVD splits at home and regret it immediately.
✅ Start roundhouse kicking inanimate objects just to see if you can.
Click play NOW before Jean-Claude Van Damme jumps through time and butt-cracks a walnut right in front of you!
CREEP-O-RAMA is:
YouTube:@creep-o-rama
Josh:@joshblevesque
Audio:@stranjlove