After my spiritual awakening, I encountered the dark night of the soul. It was a long depressing dark experience that continued for what I felt like an eternity. It lasted for nine years.
During the dark night of the soul, I feel a sense of being lost, completely lost. My heart was continuously filled with anxiety as if my world with its known habits and conditioning was coming to an end. This was because after spiritual awakening, my conditioned mind pattern was dying. And while this pattern was dying, my mind made me feel miserable by re identifying myself with its old dysfunctional patterns.
At that time, I was in the initial phase of my awakening experience. And I was unsure about my outer purpose in the world.
Now the things that motivated society no longer encouraged me. Whatever resonated with me before was not resonating with me anymore. My career, habits, relationships, inclinations, likings, all fell apart. At the same time, still I felt continuous anxiety or being out of place. It felt like the end of my known world.
I was suffering through tremendous physical and emotional pain.
A significant reorientation took place in my life and I pondered what I do with my life? What's my role? What's my relationship with my family? My relationship with my friends? My wife and children? Why is awakening not blissful and free from negative states?
And more importantly, I saw the craziness of our civilization and felt somewhat alienated from the society surrounding me. I felt like I existed in a no man's land. I did not feel that I belong to the inner world of being. Nor did I belong to the outer competitive world. Now due to spiritual awakening, I fluctuated between ego and inner being, ego and inner being, ego and inner being.
My newly emerging awareness had not yet fully become a part of my daily life. My inner purpose, which is awakening and my outer purpose, which was functioning in the world had yet to integrate fully.
Whatever meaning my mind had attached to career, relationship, ambition, achievement, et cetera, was no longer fulfilling. I felt a deep sense of meaninglessness. My inner state was very close to what is conventionally called depression.
Nothing made sense to me anymore. Nothing made sense.
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