Dr Lola Gershfeld is the founder of EmC Leaders, a training and consulting company focused on working with managers to master the art of relationships. She's also the author of The Emotional Connection, The EmC Strategy, as well as The Connected Culture, How the Art of Relationships Leads to Positive Results.
Check out Dr. Lola's Youtube, Blog as well as Podcast for additional info
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Lola:
I started in the business world very young. My husband and I built three electronic manufacturing companies and so I always took the role of a leader.
I served as an HR manager, and a CFO, and then, because I was building teams and I was, really feeling confident about myself. Then I was asked to serve on this private company board, and, I couldn't believe what I was actually experiencing.
And, I remember, I think the moment for me was like sitting and watching these board members attacking each other. And, you know, the CEO was sitting next to me and I turned to him and I said, why do they do this at every board meeting?
And, he said, quietly, I think it's because they care about each other. And, and I thought to myself, what? That, that doesn't make sense. That's so silly to express care about each other like that. But, what I really found is that they got really stuck in this pattern, the dance that they would do every board meeting.
And it was really awful because, one person would shut down, the other person would attack, and then we would just go circles and circles. We would have eight-hour board meetings with no progress and imagine how exhausting that is. The funny thing is all of these people who were on the board were very smart and very intelligent and had scientific degrees and they could solve technical problems.
And that was really fascinating for me how is it possible they could solve such difficult problems, but they could not talk to each other. So, as you can imagine, I started to really look for a solution because I didn't enjoy this experience. And, I went to the bookstore, I got these books, you know, Good to Great, Primal Leadership, Speed of Trust, all of these books were on my desk. I was diving into them and studying them, trying to figure it out. And every time I would come to the board meeting, I would teach maybe communication skills or set some rules or boundaries, but nothing actually worked. And so I decided to go back to school and find the answer because it was really fascinating to me.
And I not only saw these disruptions in the boardroom, but I saw it as an HR manager, you know, people would come to me and sit in the office and I would empathize and I would try to understand them. And guess what? A few weeks later, the same pattern comes back again.
So I really wanted to understand what was happening and how is it possible. So I went back to school. I got my master's, my doctorate, but the aha moment came when my husband invited me to this workshop, couple's workshop called Hold Me Tight. It was created by Dr. Sue Johnson, and she's the developer of the emotionally focused therapy.
Okay. I'm, I'm sitting there in this couple's workshop and I'm watching this instructor talk about attachment signs and about patterns, how these couples get into and get lost in this pattern and takes over their relationship and they just become stuck in this conflict over and over again.
And I'm thinking to myself, wait a second, we have exactly the same pattern in the boardroom. Workplace conflicts are all about attachment. Workplace relationships are all about emotional disconnection. And I cannot tell you, Katty, I, I was on fire at that time. I flew to New York. I took, you know, the externship with Susan Johnson.
And from then on, I was just immersing myself in all of the science, all of the knowledge about attachment. And I was actually bringing it to the boardroom to work with boards and teams. And miraculously, things started
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