the yearning for him, to be close to him 

I don’t indulge it or inflame it and I don’t deny it 

I let it come out and I let it be, I let it rest, I let it breathe and be seen 

I stand on the top of the ridge 

before Grandfather Sun and the Sky Grandmothers 

with all of my Relations and the Angels of the Tree of Life 

with the Stone People and my Magdalene brothers and sisters 

I speak out loud…I want, I need, I love, I feel, I am seen 

I rest in the light of day, I start with my roots through my feet 

breathe up, resting in the bowl of my womb, alive 

breathing up through the gates, the Nectar, the life force 

my heart it swells, it is afraid, I let it burst up through the corridors 

Cosmic Buddha Christ, Angels of the side bodies 

offering up the red death, offering up the white glare 

I take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha, my True Essence 

Divine Mother, who never fails me 

we breathe in, we breathe out, we sing 

I stroke my arms and my hips, I stride with dignity 

I rest in the Beingness that I Am

Sangha is in the head center, it is body, Nirmanakaya

Dharma is in the throat center, it is speech, Samboghakaya  

Buddha is in the heart center, it is mind, Dharmakaya  

my deepest desire, 

for Union with my beloved on a mild sunny day 

stamping crystalline reindeer, white seed essence 

for Union with my beloved in the dark of night 

jaguar breath of fire, red seed essence 

red and white eternally wed, indestructible Bindu in the heart 

Vajrasattva, help me to remember

I spend devotional time in communion with the Seraphic Hosts developing in myself the superior power to cast out demons 

and take dominion over the outer world of form

Blissful Inner Heat Yoga of the Fierce Goddess 

is associated with the navel chakra 

Dream Yoga is associated with the throat chakra

memories of the sun on his skin, the marks, the coloring left behind

their suntanned faces above finally bleached linen robes, 

Sun kissed  

longing for the Sun, longing for the Sun and the Moon 

desire of the Moon for the Sun and Sun for the Moon 

Moon kissed by the Sun, the hunger for his skin,

kissed by the Sun 

the warmth of the Sun on my skin, I let myself have the yearning 

I offer it up

stroking, nesting, intimacy, the joining of magnetic fields

the nesting of the male initiate 

in the magnetic field of the female initiate

reproducing being in utero of the mother  

I recognize this, I hold it sacred, Pure Intention 

the good fortune of the female initiate 

my heart grieves, my pain body cannot comprehend 

that Creation could have made this mistake 

I Am made for this, the training to stay awake and be the Love 

tender and fierce, where there has been deep injury 

Angels of Mercy and my own True Essence, teach me to see clearly

Yuthok, the Medicine guru, and his Dakinis 

will grant you your deepest desires with their Medicines and Nectar 

the Medicines and Nectar of your own True Essence 

my deepest desire for the fusion of Sun and Moon with him 

he came like a thief in the night 

and left me with an embroidered wall hanging

I find my home inside myself, I find my family, I find my Beloved 

I ring the bell, I Am the ringing of the bell 

the vibration rippling through Creation 

manifestation through the Tree of Life that I Am, Wordless place

each alchemical center has an atomic configuration 

electrons orbiting around central nucleus  

Buddhas with their Dakinis, Seed Essence through Mandala

I watched him shoot up the heroin, except that I am not the drug 

I Am the Goddess

Vajra Pride, spiritual confidence, knowing that I am the deity 

this is unfathomable, the faith and trust that even though

I feel like the dead body, and I think I am the dead body 

I am actually the One who resurrects the dead body 

I am needed for this, this is my Prayer and my mission

take the posture 

I was not really in my body, I came into my body to meet him here 

and now here I am, feeling all of it

releasing every limited and confused attachment 

from every cell, every thought form, every electron and every Prayer 

I didn’t realize until I did 

the awareness dawns slowly now and the ground shakes

Steady, girlfriend… 

my penance is to take the Medicine. Cultivate the Nectar 

press on the heart and belly and ride the Chariot 

look up into the Face of God, my Prayer and the answer to it

the sin is that he came to the holy union with me in a profane way without fully choosing me or it, and I agreed

At-one-ment

dog on a motorcycle in ecstasy, tongue hanging out 

brown leather collar with silver studs 

someone seated behind him driving the thing

to truly shift focus from the projections 

we have to cut the roots and watch them dissolve

everyone is on the spectrum somewhere, gross to subtle 

density and refinement, emotionality and stoicism 

ability to see into the subtle dimensions, or not

I read books backwards, or not at all 

black haired boy at the swimming pool with milky white skin 

flapping hands and fluttering eyelids

my mother is a saint, there are no martyrs here

she cares for, protects and advocates for my father 

but also suffers his anger and disdain. just keep going like her ancestors from that border in Eastern Europe changing with the tides 

Ukraine, Poland, just keep going, praying to God 

and she has the constitution to pull it off 

but my father and I do not

those soft fleshy orbs where sperm are made  

the flowers named after them 

lip-like appendage with a pouch-like base 

that resembles a swollen testicle… orchids  

everyone has disabilities, no one has capacity in all areas 

sometimes they are surprising, and there is shame  

I practice remedial eating, breathing and eliminating

I have come to go beyond

my older daughter bought her wedding dress today 

the younger one already married 

it has a fitted bodice and full skirt 

she wants pearls on her veil since the dress is simple 

pearls on her shoes, veils that cast mystery, veils that hide 

her veil will not cover her face

the sickness of confusion in my soul, the obstacles 

I give to Grandfather’s Breath of Faith

the veils, the limitations, the thinking I had to deny my self

to hang onto the bliss and the pleasure 

my father is depressed in their small retirement apartment 

he watches TV or the big trucks on the interstate outside of his window 

driving in one direction, driving in the other direction 

he says this is no way to spend the last years of your life 

he wants to get in his big silver pick up truck 

and just get on that highway and drive up north 

where there’s lots of space 

and there are big statues of American heroes 

that were blasted into the side of the mountain 

there is nothing to do but love him

sacred sexual consorts in the Magdalene Way 

including all aspects of the person, 

man and woman and emotional body, interest in each other, personal 

some denial, some veil, some obstacle

deep pleasure, deep desire, for more

my vision filled with what we are capable of together

needs spoken, more expression, more emotional vulnerability

I cut the roots, I bless, I offer

I watch the balloon of the image dissolve

the patterns, the habits, they mushroom out, I invite

then I see Truth, the underbelly

to try to understand the pattern on its own level sucks you in 

to its confusion… come out, come out,

look at me, I look at you

we let it be personal, we let it be real

the seeing of each other 

the loving each other, the intimacy

the swelling of emotion

the remembering of Wholeness

come out, come out 

hidden desires, secret longings underneath

it is personal