Snow White Biography Flash a weekly Biography.

It’s Marcus “Marc” Ellery coming at you, still semi-coherent after a night inside a rabbit hole of fairytale finance reports and Twitter flame wars. Today on “Snow White Biography Flash” we’re talking about what the news cycle has carved into the apple this week for everyone’s favorite fictional princess—not the influencer who keeps getting cast in perfume ads, but the literal animated proto-girlboss, Snow White herself.

Let’s just address the mirror on the wall: the big headline is about Disney’s live-action Snow White, and it’s uglier than a poisoned Granny Smith. The remake has “flopped harder” than Joker 2 at the box office, which —honestly—feels like a joke someone set up for me. According to folks at MSN and ScreenRant, the movie limped in with $310 million, which sounds like a lot until you realize Disney spent so much on it they’d need to cast the dwarfs with actual diamonds to break even. Their break-even point was $673 million, so we’re talking a $363 million loss. That is main-character-energy for humiliation in Hollywood math, folks. Joker 2 looked like a wise investment by comparison, and if you recall, that had Lady Gaga in clown makeup—so, yeah, think about that.

But money isn’t the only thing Disney managed to lose this week. Social media is still gnawing over Rachel Zegler’s “the cartoon’s dated and the prince is a creeper” take. It’s almost as if someone pressed a big red “rage bait” button. Zegler, who frankly seems better at taking heat than most weather satellites, told Vogue Mexico that all this backlash is about passion for the original. Which is the kind of zen mindset I wish I could bring to my online parking ticket complaints.

Oh, but the drama wasn’t just about the casting or the plot—it was also technical. Over at Magic Kingdom, one of the dwarfs on the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train ride went all Westworld on us after a parkwide power surge. Dopey’s animatronic reportedly froze mid-giggle, scaring children and adults alike, because nothing screams family fun like a glassy-eyed dwarf pausing halfway through a fun song. Social media was, predictably, adult-onset gleeful about the nightmare fuel, with jokes about Mondays and malfunctioning magic.

And in international news that is equal parts related and not, Swiss cinema listings show that Snow White has vanished from local schedules—possibly because, like the movie’s financial prospects, the screenings have evaporated.

Bottom line: if you’re updating Snow White’s biography this week, add “historic box office flop,” “center of culture wars,” and “unexpected horror animatronic” to the resume. She’s fictional, she’s immortal, and apparently she’s now the face of why we all can’t have nice things in IP-driven Hollywood.

Thank you for enduring this enchanted mess with me. Hit subscribe so you never miss the next Snow White update, and for more oddball biographies, search for “Biography Flash.” Because here, the news is always stranger than fiction—sometimes, literally.

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