In Sex With Dr. Jess, Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, Toronto-based sexologist, author, and media personality, shares tips on how to enhance your sexual life to improve the quality of your relationships. She interviews guests with questions ranging from how to deal with jealousy to getting down in the bedroom, as well as hosting thought-provoking episodes centered around compatibility and strengthening relationships.
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In Sex With Dr. Jess, Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, Toronto-based sexologist, author, and media personality, shares tips on how to enhance your sexual life to improve the quality of your relationships. She interviews guests with questions ranging from how to deal with jealousy to getting down in the bedroom, as well as hosting thought-provoking episodes centered around compatibility and strengthening relationships.
Can Gender-Bending Improve Sex? Exploring Pleasure Beyond the Binary
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Do you have trouble expressing your desires in bed?
Are you nervous - to open up about your fantasies?
Do you have difficulty tapping into sexual turn-ons?
Perhaps the constraints of gender (and the associated shame) are holding you back from experiencing deeper pleasure.
If any of this resonates, you’re not alone. In this gender bending episode of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, the brilliant Dr. Candice Nicole Hargons joins us to explore how rigid gender roles can hold us back from sexual freedom and how breaking them down can help us build hotter, more satisfying sex lives. Dr. Candice Nicole Hargons is an award-winning associate professor of counselling psychology at Emory University’s Rollins School of Public Health, where she studies sexual wellness and liberation. With over 70 published articles, Dr. Hargons has made substantial contributions to the field, positioning herself as a leading authority in her discipline. She is the host; of F*ck the System: A Sexual Liberation Podcast and How to Love a Human, a liberation podcast that asks people with multiple marginalized identities what the world would be like if it loved them.
How Gender Roles Constrict Sexual Desire
Gender roles aren’t just about who does the dishes or who takes the lead on date night — they seep into our most intimate spaces, shaping who initiates sex, who is “supposed” to be the object of desire, and who is permitted to feel what.
“Rigidity and flexibility make the difference between how constricted people feel in their sex lives and how open and liberated they feel in their sex lives,” says Dr. Candice Nicole. When men are expected to always initiate and want sex, and women are expected to always receive and withhold, everyone loses.
It’s not just about equity — it’s about erotic possibility. When gender roles are too rigid, pleasure gets policed, and rejection becomes painful not because it hurts — but because it violates deeply held gender scripts. Who gets to say no? Who’s allowed to feel wanted? Who’s given permission to ask?
Step-by-Step Gender Bending Guide: Break Free From Gender Scripts
Dr. Hargons offers a five-step exercise for shedding gender shame and expanding your sexual repertoire:
1. List What You’ve Been Taught
Write down what you were taught about being a “real man” or a “real woman.” Then make a second list about what you thought your partner was supposed to be. Spoiler: you’ll probably surprise yourself.
2. Circle What Aligns With Your Values
Go through those lists and circle what still holds true for you — not because it’s been drilled into you, but because it aligns with how you want to live and love.
3. Name What You Want — and Where Else You Can Get It
You don’t need one partner to meet every need. Want more emotional depth? Consider friendships, community, and therapeutic spaces as valid sites for connection.
4. Practice Acceptance & Flexibility
Sex With Dr. Jess
In Sex With Dr. Jess, Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, Toronto-based sexologist, author, and media personality, shares tips on how to enhance your sexual life to improve the quality of your relationships. She interviews guests with questions ranging from how to deal with jealousy to getting down in the bedroom, as well as hosting thought-provoking episodes centered around compatibility and strengthening relationships.
