CW: Mentions of DV, Assault, Body Shaming

EMDR is going to be very, very hard for me to do. And I know I can f*cking do it.

This is what trauma does, though. It breaks you into pieces.

I needed to let myself break, instead of absorbing it all and eroding slowly into dust.

And I can put myself back together, perfectly imperfect.

This is The Art of Falling Apart.

Four years ago, during the first year of the pandemic, I became a victim of intimate partner violence. In order to survive and cope with the ongoing abuse, I suppressed my emotions and memories, and denied my reality. Finally, after leaving in December 2020, I began my journey of healing - and part of this journey involved content creation and community. In the years that followed, I was not yet in a stable enough place, emotionally, to be confident that I could handle EMDR. Now, after completing DBT, building my support system, and taking my time coming to terms with various traumas from the past, I am finally in a position to try.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy approach aimed at alleviating distress associated with traumatic memories. We can process these memories using bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements, taps, or sounds.

I recorded this voice note before going to bed after doing an Assessment Phase of EMDR that day. Here's how it worked:

• Assessment: We went into my personal history, current symptoms, and trauma experiences. This is to help my therapist have a look at my unique needs, triggers, and areas of distress. We talked about specific memories that were especially coming up for me and causing problems for me. We then talked about my particular goals with EMDR.
• Target Memories: We talked about some of my specific memories that are causing me distress. These memories are really emotionally charged, recurrent, and have a significant impact on my functioning and specifically my self-worth.
• Distress Levels: My therapist asked me to rate the level of distress associated with each memory. For her, this helps to prioritize which memories to address first and provides a baseline for tracking progress.
• The Container: We went through a visualization exercise with me in order to bring me back to the present and manage my difficult emotions after.

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The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community that offers daily affirmations, tarot readings, self-care reminders, DBT skills, books and resources, and more. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

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