Hello honeys. Today, Sianan reflects on her experience of exploring her sexuality during her school years, particularly through a close relationship with a female friend that, in hindsight, they recognise as their first love. Although they didn’t label it as such at the time, they shared intimate moments that went beyond friendship, and losing this friend—especially when they found out she was secretly involved with the speaker's boyfriend—was devastating.

Sianan acknowledges that their feelings were confusing, especially since societal and school norms around queerness were negative, leading them to downplay or ignore their deeper emotions. They describe how such explorations were often dismissed as “just fun” in youth, masking the real significance of these relationships. The conversation touches on how many people may relate to the blurred lines between friendship and love in same-sex relationships, especially when there are no examples or role models of queer relationships to reference.

We both take some time to reflect on the bravery in young people exploring their feelings without labels, despite the stigma and negative rhetoric around queerness in their adolescence. I hope you enjoy this one my loves. T x