Why is it so hard for some people to say “I’m sorry”? In this episode of the Inclarity Podcast, psychology professor RJ Starr unpacks the hidden dynamics behind apology refusal. On the surface, it can look like arrogance or stubbornness. But beneath it often lies something more vulnerable: the need to protect a fragile self-image, to avoid the shame that comes with admitting imperfection, or to sidestep the discomfort of confrontation.

An apology is never just two words. It is a social act that lowers defenses, acknowledges harm, and momentarily shifts the balance of power in a relationship. For people who cling tightly to control, that shift feels like too much to bear. For others, the leap from guilt to shame is so fast that apologizing feels like personal annihilation. Still others retreat from apology out of pure social anxiety, choosing avoidance over vulnerability.

This refusal comes at a cost. Relationships left without repair accumulate resentment and distance. The silence that once felt protective eventually becomes isolating. Over time, the refusal to say “I’m sorry” erodes trust and leaves behind a reputation for coldness or arrogance.

RJ Starr explains how apology refusal functions as an ego defense and why it is more about fear than malice. He also offers insight into what you can do if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who cannot apologize: how to protect your own boundaries and recognize that their silence reflects their inner struggle, not your worth.

For anyone who has ever been frustrated by the absence of an apology—or wondered about their own reluctance—this episode provides clarity on the psychology behind those two elusive words.