All I desired was someone to come hold me as I fell apart.

They heard me wailing and ugly crying from the open door of my apartment and kept walking.

Later, I asked.. Why? Why didn’t you come inside to hold me, see if I was ok?

“We wanted to.. but we got this intuitive hit you wanted to be left alone. We figured you would ask for support when you were ready.”

One of my biggest fears was being ignored while I was suffering and then approached when I already semi-self soothed and closed off.

They could feel the forcefield of my sulk. It’s what I was subconsciously projecting. Ufff.

We re-create our deepest fears when they aren’t there, until they are, so we can work them alllll the way through in the light of day. Playing it out as many times as it takes for all the frozen and trapped life force to free up. There is no shame in this.

I couldn’t ask for support because I hadn’t even formed coherent speech yet.

I had become the inconsolable infant. My slowest part.

Whose only need was, “watch me cry, feed me a snack and put me down for a nap.”

My house responded as a mirror to all the weeping with weeks of no running water.

So I became the frantic mother who didn’t know how to console the baby and felt guilty for wanting to smother it with a pillow.

I became unable to complete simple tasks, overstimulated, overwhelmed. Until I went around the ADHD merry go-round enough times that I had had ENOUGH.

And de-coded the entire f*cking pathology in my system.

A toddler who has a secure attachment to its core provider and gets to be weird became the threshold for what was in range for my nervous system.

Free, to eat raspberries off her fingertips in public, wear the same pink&purple castle sweatsuit every day, have tantrums in the living room, nibble on her own toenails with feral delight, and monkey climb to the top of her dresser just to suck on her own hair and burst out into elemental giggles.

Her emotional needs could never be too much. I became her to approve of her. Because that was loves way.

…

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