Today marks my granddaughter's 13th birthday, a day etched with profound significance in my son's tumultuous journey. It ranks as one of the toughest days he ever faced, second only to the heart-wrenching news of a cancer diagnosis on his 25th birthday. My granddaughter, just three months old when he passed away, remains a poignant symbol of love and loss in our family's narrative.

For many years, I found myself estranged from her family, unable to partake in the joyous moments of her growing up. Not once have I had the opportunity to celebrate her birthday in person. Instead, this day acts as a precursor to the crescendo of grief that peaks on June 19th, laden with anniversary dates and haunting memories. With each passing year, the burden of navigating through this emotional terrain grows heavier.

In this episode, I contemplate what I would convey to my granddaughter if she were to unexpectedly appear at my doorstep on her 18th birthday. I grapple with the complexities of absence, longing to bridge the chasm that separates us, yearning for the chance to share in her milestones.

It pains me to acknowledge that my experience is not singular. Many grandparents find themselves distanced from their grandchildren following the loss of their children. I wish this were not a topic I needed to podcast about, yet here we are. Join me in this conversation, and share your thoughts on this journey of grief and separation.

Also, listen to "In the beginning there was death." Episode 1