For too many Christian couples, “sex as a duty” has been taught as holy—but neuroscience tells a different story. In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Karianne Bilsky, a licensed psychologist and trauma specialist, to unpack how obligation-based sex affects the brain, nervous system, and long-term intimacy.
Together they explore how coercive teachings—like “you owe your spouse sex”—can trigger stress responses, shut down desire, and rewire the brain away from pleasure and connection. Dr. Bilsky explains how safety, consent, and authentic choice are not only biblical but biologically essential for thriving intimacy.
If you’ve ever wondered why “just doing it” doesn’t create closeness, or why your body resists even when your heart wants connection, this episode will help you understand the neurological and spiritual cost of obligation—and how to rebuild intimacy that is chosen, safe, and joyfully mutual.
Topics Include:
The neuroscience of desire vs. duty
How religious coercion impacts the nervous system
Trauma-informed approaches to healing sexual disconnection
Why safety and consent are prerequisites for pleasure
Moving from “performing intimacy” to experiencing it
As an added bonus, my Patreon members will receive an additional interview with Dr. Bilsky, where we discuss what female arousal feels like in the body, and how to cultivate it!
Here is more information on things mentioned in the episode:
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Rub Me the Right Way: Massage episode ft Maude Carter
Betty Martin & the Wheel of Consent
Beyond “Duty Sex”: Betty Martin’s Revolutionary Framework on Sex Therapy 101 with Cami Hurst