This week, we spiral through the nostalgia multiverse and current chaos: Jaycee’s knees are back in action, Darrien’s backyard is once again a nature documentary, and we’re prepping for our Alberta reunion with the enthusiasm of early 2000s pop stars. Speaking of which—remember Zoey 101? Because we do, deeply.

We unpack Jesse McCartney's Judge Judy era on TikTok, celebs crashing out left and right (Justin... Amanda... sweeties, no), and why California rolls are the gas station hot dog of sushi. Tornadoes? Terrifying. Raw chicken? Illegal. Raw fish? Apparently fine. We also draft our strategies for surviving both zombie apocalypses and conscription. Spoiler: none of them involve cardio.

Plus: the cult of “shedding for the wedding,” why it needs to die immediately, and Darrien’s viral-level pic in a suit jacket that lives in our heads rent-free.