The Longest Yard is a total smorgasbord of tones, jokes, and cultural winks, whiffing at laughter from start to finish. We get a jail yard-sized salmagundi of half-baked jokes. Wet Willies. Terry Crewes peddling McDonald's cheeseburgers, fries, and McAssholes. Pegging the refs in the nuts. Dan Patrick cameo as a cop, clowning on Frodo. Goldberg rockin' an XXL jockstrap. Tracy Morgan as a prison yard Ladyboy. Adam Sandler drinking a six-pack during a high-speed chase. Chris Rock riffin' on white guys and Prozac. James Cromwell acting much too prestigiously for a Happy Madison project. Rob Schneider yelling, "You can do it!" as a callback to The Waterboy. Burt Reynolds hired as a nod to the much-superior original. Bob Sapp doing his best Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile impression. The Great Khali looking huge. Nelly, band-aid on his cheek and all. Jim Rome and Chris Berman being themselves, offering tongue-in-cheek color commentary. Kevin Nash, Brian Bosworth, and William Fichtner doing their best as prison guards, trying to infuse redemptive nuance into their villiany. Joey Diaz being chubby, homophobic, and unfunny. Steve Austin being stone-cold silly. Suffice to say, this one wasn't for us. But we do our best to tackle it anyway. Enjoy the smackdown!