Breaking up is hard to do—unless you make it awkward, chaotic, and borderline unhinged. In this satirical guide to ending a relationship, we’ll teach you all the wrong ways to call it quits. From texting “We need to talk” and ghosting immediately after to staging a dramatic breakup speech in a public park, we’re diving into the hilariously terrible strategies no one should ever use (but probably have).

Expect dark humor, exaggerated scenarios, and enough sarcasm to make even Cupid cringe. If you’ve ever wanted to know how to not handle heartbreak—or if you just need a laugh while recovering from your own breakup debacle—this episode’s for you.

Disclaimer: No relationships were harmed in the making of this podcast (we hope). Please use actual communication skills in real life. Or at least don’t break up over a Post-it note.