Ever dreamed of building an empire based on vague advice and glittery robes? Welcome to the ultimate “how-to” guide for becoming a fake guru! In this satirical episode, we’ll break down the sacred (read: shady) steps to enlightenment—of your bank account, of course. From inventing mystical buzzwords like “quantum soul alignment” to mastering the art of looking wise while saying absolutely nothing, we’re spilling the tea on the not-so-divine art of deception.

Get ready for a hilarious deep dive into the world of crystal-fueled retreats, overhyped meditation apps, and “exclusive” knowledge only available in your $999 course. Remember, this is satire, so please don’t actually start a cult. Or do—but don’t tell anyone we inspired it.

Disclaimer: The universe (and our lawyers) require us to remind you this episode is purely for laughs. Real spirituality doesn’t come with a subscription fee… probably.