mercury retrograde and venus retrograde are in full effect currently and there have been two times that i have like aggressively and suddenly recorded episodes about things that are bothering me things that are making me upset and of course i didn’t post the episodes during the first one i stopped and said why am i doing this? why am i reacting first

- [ ] but again where i find myself most times during thought discovery its 2 am and it kind of clicks a little bit

my anxiety told me that i can no longer be a person

it told me to fear my environment that i didnt fully know it told me i lost what makes me quirky that i can’t have banter with people and make conversation

seasonal depression has found me many times and made me resistant to change and moment

growing up and becoming an adult has faced me with monotony and constant raised stress levels

i have become so scared of confrontation that i water myself down and fail to be real in situations that bother me hurt me and become expressionless in places that bring me discomfort and sadness

i bottle up and let out in ways that harm my peace and self and isolate to try to gain control and protect myself again

but what i realize is derailment is the answer to my problems but my first gut reaction to derailment is to get angry to get upset for my stress levels to rise instead of looking at it as just live and realignment

derailment means to me something inherently negative

realignment or alignment im honestly not sure feels more positive

saturday morning i got up and took a 5 mile walk i was thinking maybe i would try this new coffee place i walked in it is inside of a house and you have to walk up stairs to get there

i braced myself to walk into the building but once i got into that stairwell i heard people mingling upstairs i sensed familiarity a home like people that just got each other and i constantly felt like othered and uncomfortable and scared so i left

i hope this morning i can get up do that walk and go up there and get a coffee.

instead yesterday i went to panera where i ordered on my phone waited sitting on my phone and had little interaction with people

oddly i went to panera on the day i got into the car accident i also went yesterday when hours later i discovered my new car wouldn’t start

it almost feels like i was supposed to put myself in a new environment i was so close to doing something different but instead i embraced familiarity and ended up being literally PULLED out of my comfort zone

anyways yeah my car didn’t start so my day of ease turned into a day of panic i wasn’t even phased when my car didn’t start initially sure i had a hair appointment later but i was just like whatever

AAA came and figured out it was my battery so they weren’t able to replace my battery the guy also couldn’t jump my car and so i was destined to wait for a tow as it got closer to my hair appointment time i decided i would just uber there like no tow truck came

so i ubered i got into a car that had lights on the ceiling very king kylie and her highlighter colored hair and sports car era

the driver didn’t speak once i have taken like under 5 ubers in my life and people usually don’t speak in them so it was quiet except for the windows being down the cool air rushing on my face and the medium volume level of drakes sexy music for you album i believe playing so i drove to get my hair done being serenaded by drake to songs that i think should probably only be played during intimate moments no shade to the driver anyway i got to my locticians place

she had a book on her shelf that i had heard of “the power of now” so i asked her about it and we talked a lot about that book religion spirituality and individuality it was super insightful do you ever meet someone that you just feel like knows all the answers? that’s my loctician she also takes about the kids show avatar and how important it is so maybe i will delve into that?