On Episode 55 of A Chat with Uma, I'm here with a deeply personal, long-requested solo episode for Suicide Prevention Month. For years, I've woven pieces of my story into different episodes-OCD, PTSD, depression, advocacy, research-but I've never dedicated an entire conversation to suicidality itself: what it's been like to live with it chronically, what the terms we use really mean, and the realities of growing up navigating both acute crises and a lifetime of persistent suicidal thoughts.
This episode isn't about a neat before-and-after or a story wrapped in a bow. It's about the truth: surviving childhood and adolescence with unrelenting mental illness, learning the language to name what I was experiencing, and the stigma, shame, and systemic failures I encountered along the way. My hope is that this conversation brings visibility to what's too often silenced-because naming it, honestly and without judgment, is part of how we save lives and make others feel less alone.
If you've ever felt unseen in your experience, or you love someone who struggles, this episode is for you.
Topics Discussed (+ Timestamps):
(00:00:00) Welcome & why this episode matters for Suicide Prevention Month
00:02:20) How this topic has threaded through my story across past episodes
(00:04:10) Why chronic suicidality needs its own conversation & breaking the silence around it
(00:05:40) The taboo of speaking honestly about living with ongoing suicidal thoughts
(00:09:20) Listener questions & why this episode felt overdue
(00:11:10) What I hope this conversation gives to anyone listening
Contextual episodes:
(00:18:54) Defining key terms: passive vs. active, chronic vs. acute suicidality, and why language matters
(00:21:40) The beginning of my story: OCD, depression, PTSD, and mental illness showing up in childhood
(00:23:50) First memories of suicidal thoughts & what I understood about death as a kid
(00:26:40) From passive to active suicidality: abuse, self-harm, & my first attempts at 12 years old
(00:30:20) Teenage years: multiple attempts, hospitalization, surviving crisis after crisis
(00:36:10) How involuntary hospitalization taught me to mask what I was feeling
(00:42:00) Systemic failures: what happens when the mental health system punishes honesty
(00:45:50) Why so few models exist for chronic suicidality & what needs to change
(00:48:20) How I live with it now: skills, supports, and what healing actually looks like
(00:52:40) What I want people to know about supporting someone living with suicidality
(00:57:10) Final reflections: breaking shame, creating language, and honoring survival
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